I don't know why I was thinking about this, but I don't think we've ever really discussed prom... Not that it's a super important thing. But anyway, did you go to your prom? If so, who did you go with? If not, why not? Tell me about it.

The arts high didn't have a prom, per se. We had this thing called Gala that was basically a half-assed prom. No dinner, no fancy clothes (well, some people did), no special transportation, no corsages, very few dates, no court and crowning, just a dance. In... man, I don't even remember where it was. I went my junior year, with a group of friends--I think the people I rode with were Jesse, Krissti, and Alan? But I hung out with my friend Devin most of the night, I believe. I was pretty miserable if I remember right. (Devin, are you reading this? I was miserable, right?) I didn't go my senior year because, well, I was miserable. I did, however, help several of my friends prepare for their proms. That's about it.

A huge part of me wished I could go to Armstrong's prom, just for the whole experience, and because all my friends were going. In fact, I was kinda peeved that I didn't get invited as the non-date of a few single friends. But in hindsight, this was probably for the best. I would have been so uncomfortable all night, and probably not very happy. I was not a party girl, I probably would have dragged down my friends' nights. So it's for the best, but... yeah. Somehow even though I didn't really go to prom, I have bittersweet feelings about it anyway.

For added fun? My Gala pictures are online, starting here.

Carly's questions:

1. Is rabbinical school still on the table? Say more about that :-)
2. Think about yourself ten years ago. What advice would you give that Rebecca if you could?
3. What is it about Lauren that made you fall in love with her?
4. What's your favorite thing about yourself?
5. Do you think you'll stay in MN? If not, where would you like to go? And why?

Sigh. I covered that pretty thoroughly on my last post. If you want a new question, I will answer, otherwise, see below.

2. Think about yourself ten years ago. What advice would you give that Rebecca if you could?

In the words of the great Leila Green, "It's not that deep." No, actually, ten years ago today, I was preparing for my first trip to New York City, I was falling in love with my now-wife and trying to figure out if I would ever tell her so, I was seeing Rent on a weekly basis and had a community of fellow Rentheads who did the line with me overnight at the Ordway, and I was weeks away from entering the arts high school. My life was about the best it had been in almost ten whole years prior to that. And yet I was miserable. I don't know if anything I could go back and tell myself would change that much, though. Even telling myself to take it easy wouldn't have helped. So maybe what I'd say is, "You're no diferent from everyone else in your pain, but you're very different from everyone else in ways you don't even understand. And it just doesn't matter, so try to connect with people instead of thinking you're so alone." Sigh. Very emo of me, huh? But I was a pretty miserable 16 year old and I could have stood to hear it.

3. What is it about Lauren that made you fall in love with her?

You know, it's kinda hard to say. It's been ten years, and neither of us are the same people we were then, honestly. I truly think it was one of those situations where we were just right together. There were a lot of circumstances, too, that really makes it hard to say what first made me fall in love with her. But I do know the things that make me still love her as much right now as I did then. I love her cheerfulness, and the way nothing can ever really get her down for long. I love the way she draws people in and makes them want to talk to her. I love that she can eavesdrop on strangers and then cut into their conversations, and rather than getting mad, they get excited to talk to her. I love that she's intensely optimistic but often assumes or expects the worst--that kind of contradiction is endearing to me. I love that she would put other people first to an extent so ridiculous that I think she deserves someone who would do the same (I would not, I admit) just so that someone puts her first all the time. I love that she cracks herself up in her sleep. I love that even when she has no idea what she's talking about, she'll find something to say. I love that she loves my family and tries really hard to understand what it means to be a sibling to my brothers. I love that she can be righteously indignant in one moment and then have let it go and be laughing or grumbling or who knows what in the next. I love that she's patient with me when I can't be with myself. And I love that even though she would probably be the last person to say this about herself, there is no challenge that she isn't up for.

4. What's your favorite thing about yourself?

You know, you kinda stumped me here. Not because there's nothing I like about myself, but because all the things that I like about myself are ultimately problematic, because they're the things that don't really fit well into The World. So I guess my favorite thing is the way my brain works. I feel like sometimes I see things that other people don't see. Now granted, I don't see 90% of what most other people do, and that's hard, and it's hard to never be able to explain myself, but I like the world that my head is in. I like the way everything makes sense and I like the way I come at trying to figure out the things that don't make sense. It makes it really really hard to live in a world with people who I can't explain myself to, but to me, it's a really comfortable place to be and I like how I think.

5. Do you think you'll stay in MN? If not, where would you like to go? And why?

I'd like to think so. This is home. Despite my feelings about the Jewish community here, it has everything else going for it. I would hate to be without a communal spiritual life for the rest of my life, but compared with what I'd be giving up elsewhere, I'll take it. That said, where would I go? Well, do you know of any cities that are as full of greenery and lakes as this one and have a gay population who's more distributed than concentrated and has a lot of theatre and other artistic stuff going on, and is considered to be in a liberal area? Probably not.

Places I might consider though... Western Massachusetts still, I really did like Northampton even though I didn't feel cool enough to be there, but I really would rather be near a city about the size of Minneapolis. Decatur, GA still intrigues me although it seems that once you're outside of the actual little tiny main part of the city, it could be Any Suburb. Lauren wants to consider Denver. I've never been, but it's someplace that's always interested me. Same applies to Santa Fe. I'd consider cities like Boston, Providence, Baltimore, and DC. I liked Oakland, CA a lot. And Orlando has the bonus of Disney World being right there. Realistically, though, unless my parents move somewhere else... no, I don't really want to move away from here again.

Here's how it goes:
1. Leave me a comment and I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
2. Update your website or blog or LJ or whatever with the answers to the questions.
3. Include this explanation and when others comment asking to be asked, you in turn ask them five questions.

**REMINDER: This isn't LJ--if you comment asking for questions, you won't get an email in response when I answer you, you'll have to remember to check back here.

And here are Amanda's questions for me:

1) When an artifact from your childhood (like a certain type of toy, or a television or book series) enjoys a resurgence in popularity, does it make you feel happy and nostalgic or angry and nostalgic? Why?
2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?
3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?
4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?
5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?

Answers after the cut, and yes, obviously, #3 will have spoilers for Harry Potter. Answers to Carly's questions coming in a post soon.

This may make me a horrible person, but I usually feel angry. It's the same feeling I get when someone tells me that they're a fan of Rent but I find out they've never seen the play or they didn't see it for the first time until years after I did. I don't really do anything with Rent anymore, but did they sleep out on the sidewalk every Tuesday for an entire summer to see the show? No, I don't think so. Bite me. Anyway, my point is, I get very possessive. I end up feeling like the kids who get to enjoy it now Just Don't Get what it really is all about. Plus, all too often, it's altered to be rereleased, which I just can't stand.

2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?

Carly asked me this too, so I know it must be glaringly obvious that I haven't talked about it in awhile. There are basically two answers to this question. The first answer is that I'm not pursuing anything except breathing right now. I am currently deep in the trenches of figuring out if I can ever work, if I can ever be a parent, if I can ever be anything other than a resource draining lump. And if I sound depressed there, it's because I am. I'm really pretty unhappy about where I'm at on this whole journey and issue but basically... I have no plans or lack of plans.

The second answer is... IF I got to a place where I feel like I can work and I do decide to pursue a career path... The rabbinate is still really really appealing to me. I feel like the actual schooling is a terrific fit for me. I also feel like I really don't want to live in Philly for six years, and having lived somewhere I was miserable last year and now being back here, I'm not sure I'd give up six years living somewhere else for anything. I might. I really don't know. But that leads me to the last issue... I had forgotten, while I was in Oberlin, just HOW much I hate the Jewish community in the Twin Cities. Being back here, Judaism has been much less a part of my life, even internally. I don't like the community or the synagogues or the people I'd be working with. And if I want to live here long term (which... I think we do), there's really no point in being a rabbi because I would never want to work in this community. Right now for me, Judaism is really... whatever the opposite of salient is.

So in sum? I have no idea. It's not off the list of possibilities, it's still the thing I would most like to do. But it's not likely.

3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?

Wifey, if you're reading this, just skip to the next question. Basically I feel like JK Rowling set herself up for failure. There's no way she could have pleased me. I feel like Harry should have died. However, if he had, I'd have been pissed as hell. I do feel, though, that at the very least he should have been the one to deliver the curse that killed Voldemort, but what can ya do? I feel like the pacing of the book was really bad. I missed that heart attack-y feeling from book six. I thought the ENTIRE plot about the Hallows was unnecessary and served absolutely zero purpose. I hated the exposition scene with Dumbledore in "King's Cross" and I didn't really care for the Snape/Lily chapter. I loved Ron and Hermione and seeing some growth in them. I love love love love Neville, and almost as much, I love Luna. I loved Kreacher. I loved HOW Ron and Hermione finally got together. I wanted a lot more Snape. I never liked him, in any book, but I wanted more. I was really underwhelmed, and I don't even like action books. That said? I don't think she could have written anything that I would have liked and I don't think any outcome would have satisfied me (although it's very hard to believe it was a truly horrific war with so few deaths). I wouldn't mind nixing that terrible epilogue. And I just have to say, best part of the WHOLE book was Molly coming at Bellatrix and calling her a bitch. It's really sad, though, when the death I was most upset about was Dobby's, when I hated him so much all along.

4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?

I do feel intimately connected to my name. There are times as a kid where I wished I had the last name Rozenberg (my mom's maiden name) instead of Feldman, and I collect long lists of names that I love, but I've never wished I had an actual different name. I used to want something more unique, but I couldn't tell you what, because to me, I am Rebecca. However, I was almost named Rivkah Michal (reev-kah mee-chal, ch being that hard h sound), which is my Hebrew name, and I would be content with that as my name too. That's not really a change, though, is it? There are names I love, but none of them are ME.

5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?

There are two-- My So-Called Life and Popular. MSCL had so much to offer and I think it was going to go places that teen shows at the time hadn't gone (and maybe still haven't?). It deserved a longer life. I think it could have made a real impact, bigger than it did. Popular was just hilarious and clever and entertaining and I would love to see more.

--Barack Obama: I missed the first few minutes of his turn, but, what I saw... I really haven't paid much attention to him thus far, but I can REALLY see why people are so taken with him. I liked what I saw of his answers and he made me feel taken seriously AND understood. I didn't feel like he was forcing me into a group and I didn't feel like he was saying "I get the LGBT community, I really get you!" and I also didn't feel like he was saying "I'm not one of you so I'll never get you." That's talent--to not make me feel isolated. Let me put it this way--unlike Edwards, he didn't call the LGBT community "you". I was really, really impressed. I really wish I had seen his first five minutes.

--John Edwards: is a tool. I honestly don't know what else to say about him. He didn't answer the questions he was given (stereotype of a politician much?) and everything he said annoyed me. I don't care that he went to some Los Angeles LGBT center and saw homeless kids--that doesn't tell me anything except that he has a LONG way to go before I give a shit about what he has to say. He's a tool.

--Dennis Kucinich: it's very hard to comment on him. He basically... doesn't exist on the same plane as the other candidates. In so many ways. He's quite floopy and enjoyable and I love him and I'm glad he's running. I also wouldn't vote for him. I think his path, his journey, and his purpose are better served as a candidate who shakes up the scene a little bit than if he were actually president. It's just not a fit for him, but I love that's running. I agree with like 95% or more of the things he says, I just think he has another calling. Aww, he said he loves all of us, and I believe him. I love you too!

--Mike Gravel: I really know nothing about him going into this. The second he said "the gay issue" and then repeated it again two seconds later, he lost me. I liked that he said he believes "the marriage issue" will be a non-issue in 2012, but he bored me. And he seemed to be really out of touch with the country as a whole. He spoke like a well-intentioned person of a generation no longer at the forefront of what's going on in this country. And stop comparing yourself to Kucinich! Stop copying! I really do appreciate that he's pro-gay marriage, but that's really all I can say positive about him based on this short exposure.

--Bill Richardson: I have to admit, I also know very little about him, although a little more than Gravel... What can I say, I've been trying my hardest to flat out ignore politics for quite some time now. I was wholly unimpressed. For the most part I was bored. At least Gravel got me excited and passionate, even if I was annoyed to hell with him. Richardson bored me. I also had very little respect for his unwillingness to fess up to his own stances. Edwards said flat out, without even being asked, he has not changed his mind about not supporting gay marriage. Richardson, when asked, skirted around answering for as long as he could before they repeated the question like four times and he finally kinda sorta said he's "not there yet". Between that and his skirting/poorly answering the "biology vs. choice" question, he was at the bottom of the list for me. I got the feeling the panel felt the same way, and I missed the laughter that had been there with all four of the previous candidates.

--Hillary Clinton: This is what I tuned in for, honestly. However, she was so deliberate with everything she said that I feel like there were a ton of questions she didn't get time to answer. And I get that because when I'm addressing touchy issues that require deliberate and careful language, I'm the same way. I would rather have someone speak deliberately than misspeak. That said, I wanted more. She makes me feel... safe? I love Obama, more than I thought I would, but he feels young and excited and excitable, whereas Hillary (and yes, I'm aware that I've called everyone else by their last names and I call her Hillary--it's not a female thing, nor is it a clear from Bill thing, it's a comfort and familiarity thing, which I see as positive) makes me feel safe and taken care of. I knew what she was going to say about everything, so I guess what I got out of listening to her just that--that sense that she isn't saying she'll do more than she can, she's not promising that she's making herself completely transparent. And no candidate could be. So I really appreciate that sense of reality, and that comfort.

What do I have to say in the end? I like Hillary. She makes me feel like she has what it takes. But Obama is fantastic too, even if he makes me feel a little like he'd be fumbling to find answers as president. That might not be a horrible thing, but it's not what I'm looking for.

Mostly, though, I learned almost nothing new tonight, but I'm incredibly happy that this kind of forum was put on. It needed to happen and just the fact that it did feels like a small but important step to me. In the words of Breckin Meyer in Clueless, "Two thumbs up, fine family fun."

Today I went to another dentist, a dentist endorsed by multiple wonderful people, because I've been in a little pain and hell, it was time. How'd it go? Well, let me put it this way. Tomorrow, I'm calling my childhood dentist to make an appointment to go back to him, even though he's not covered on our insurance.

For one thing, my appointment was done over three hours ago, and my teeth hurt. I mean, OW. Seriously, OW. They hurt even when I just sit and do nothing, and forget about chewing. Not going to happen. I've never ever left a dentist appointment in pain before. For another, he was incredibly impersonal. He made a lot of small talk, but whenever I tried to ask actual questions, they got brushed off. I eventually stopped asking, figuring that I'd either never be coming back or I could make Lauren call and ask later. His assistant was flat out mean to me and VERY rough with my mouth (hence the PAIN) and didn't once say, "I'm about to ____" or "sorry I just gagged you." Lauren had an appointment in the next cube over, and her hygienist, who did most of her appointment, was totally different, gave her options, let her know what was going on, etc. The one thing I hate more than bad service is inconsistent service. If I went back to them, I'd always be wondering if it was going to be miserable or fine.

Then onto some bigger issues. They could NOT comprehend that for me, no novacaine means NO NOVACAINE. I do not do needles. I even explained to them that the last time I had a shot, IV, or blood drawn other than via finger prick (ie, no needle) was when I was eleven, and at that time, I was gassed, and I still freaked (read: started flailing and screaming) when they put the IV in. I told them I've done every filling I've ever had without novacaine, and they were still like, "Um, no, I don't think so, you'll want novacaine." Not even, "Let's talk about this, let's consider options before we make a final decision." He also wrote me a scrip for a sedative for before I have a tooth pulled (yeah, I have a dead baby tooth that's gotta come out, which prompted the whole visit) without asking me ANYTHING about my preferences about drugs. Now, it just so happens that it's... not my preference, but I'm okay with it, IF it were a good solution (trust me, a little pill is not going to make twenty years worth of a phobia abate for even two hours). But what if I was on other meds, or what if I didn't believe in them, or... I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for things to be angry about. Oh, and then we got to talking about the issues with my top teeth, which I know are vast. But my plan has always been braces to fix the gap between the two middle, a bridge where I'm missing a tooth, and a cap on my "peg" tooth, all of which would actually correct the problems where possible. This guy wanted to "fix" it with veneers, which is a purely cosmetic solution and would cost a lot more and seems very unnecessary to me. Take me back to old school, thanks, no quick fix solutions here.

What it comes down to is 1) VERY poor communication, 2) impersonal service, 3) not much understanding or compassion, 4) did I mention I'm in tear-inducing pain?

Lauren, on the other hand, loved it there. She loved the hygienist. Of course, as opposed to the dentist himself, the hygienist told her what she was doing every step of the way (I heard her), asked/warned her about pain, and didn't mutter under her breath about Cher for five minutes straight (okay, that part was kind of funny).

So me and my dead, cracked, painful baby tooth will be returning back to my childhood dentist, who I suddenly have a great deal more love for, even though these things won't be 80% covered by insurance with him. Right now, all I want to do is run right to his office and give him a giant hug and beg him never to ever, ever retire, and then give him my life savings. Since I can't, this rant will have to suffice.

Bye bye, long hair. Anyway, after that, I grew my hair right back out, and from then on, I had long hair (except for a brief period during which I was growing out a perm and cut it very short). Always. Long hair. In fact, by high school, I had a system down. Every August, I got my hair cut four or five or six inches, and then let it grow all throughout the year without any further attention. Occasionally I got one trim in the winter, but that was it. I had one hairstylist, Cindy, who knew me and knew better than to suggest anything as crazy as--gasp!--layers or a different length (damn you Jennifer Aniston, I would not be suckered into your crazy hair shennanigans). And all through college, I continued with this plan. Me and my long, straight hair that never came above my shoulders.

And then in college, something crazy came over me. My senior year, I suddenly decided that I was feeling good, I was ready to tackle the world, I was ready to declare that I was no longer emotionally stunted at age seven (my haaaaaaaair, mom, how could you?) and was ready for an Adult haircut. So in February, I made Lauren take a picture of my long, child-style hair:

and I trotted off to an unknown salon in Ohio to get it cut. Short. And I came home with this:

Now, upon reflection, I should have stuck with that. It was actually kind of a fun cut, I suppose, and a HUGE change, since I'd never had my hair shorter than my shoulders since sixth grade. But no, that wasn't short or drastic enough for me, so I went and had a girl who I worked with shorten it for me, resulting in this:

And I had fun with it, I truly did. Some days I straightened it. Some days I put a ton of stupid little clips in it. Some days I just let it be. It was a huge pain in my ass and took way too long to style, but I enjoyed it. For like two months. And then I wanted my hair back. And so I grew it, and it took a damn year and a half, but for my wedding, my hair was the perfect length:

And of course, then I just had to do something stupid. So two weeks after our wedding, I cut it, and I got those long sideswept bangs that everyone was getting at the time (see Rebecca? This is what happens when you follow a trend) and... yeah. Let's just say it wasn't good. And right then and there, I decided it was time to grow my hair out. And I mean, grow it out. I literally went two years without so much as a trim. I finally got it trimmed this past January, and that brings us to today. Which looks like this:

That's earlier today. The day my hair went away.

I donated my hair to Locks of Love today and as nice as it is to not feel like there's a small child hanging from my head when it's in a ponytail or something, I miss it. A lot. I haven't taken a picture of the new cut yet, but I will. It's actually longer even than the first cut I got my senior year of college, long enough for a short, perky ponytail. But man, am I feeling the loss.

All gone.

So my goal is to post again this week, because starting Friday at midnight, I go into hibernation. I do not want a single solitary spoiler about the last Harry Potter book, nothing, not even how many pages it's going to be or what the cover looks like, until that book is in my hands. And because Lauren and I buy one copy and she reads it first, I have to sequester myself for quite awhile before I get to read it. I'm hoping she'll read it over the weekend and I can read it Monday and Tuesday, but we'll see. In any case, I won't be even logging onto AIM or LiveJournal from the time the book is released until I finish it.

We were supposed to see the fifth movie at midnight on Tuesday, just like every other movie so far, even though I've been unimpressed by most of them. So wouldn't it figure that both of us got stupidly sick on Tuesday afternoon. We're both still sick, and let me tell you, I don't know if this is a bug or a summer cold or what, but it's the worst I've felt in a long, long time. I'm still anxiously waiting to get to see the fifth movie... But today I did start rereading the sixth book, as a refresher before the final book. And wow, I forgot how good they are. I'm only two chapters in and my heart is racing already. And I'm NOT a fan of suspense, usually. But wow. I'm excited.

Yeah, I have Harry Potter fever. I'm ridiculous. And I'm excited.

So there, I found something to say, something inane and pointless, but this site is back up. Hopefully this won't be the only entry this week. And hopefully deliciously will wake back up, and so will I.

Your Blackberry negates the rest of your message.

By the way, when did this become Oberlin?

No love,
Rebecca