August 14, 2007
Getting to know all about you...
Oops, I forgot to come back and post my answers to Carly's questions. Here they are, questions now, answers after the cut, and same thing applies as the last one if you want to be interviewed in return.
Carly's questions:
1. Is rabbinical school still on the table? Say more about that :-)
2. Think about yourself ten years ago. What advice would you give that Rebecca if you could?
3. What is it about Lauren that made you fall in love with her?
4. What's your favorite thing about yourself?
5. Do you think you'll stay in MN? If not, where would you like to go? And why?
1. Is rabbinical school still on the table? Say more about that :-)
Sigh. I covered that pretty thoroughly on my last post. If you want a new question, I will answer, otherwise, see below.
2. Think about yourself ten years ago. What advice would you give that Rebecca if you could?
In the words of the great Leila Green, "It's not that deep." No, actually, ten years ago today, I was preparing for my first trip to New York City, I was falling in love with my now-wife and trying to figure out if I would ever tell her so, I was seeing Rent on a weekly basis and had a community of fellow Rentheads who did the line with me overnight at the Ordway, and I was weeks away from entering the arts high school. My life was about the best it had been in almost ten whole years prior to that. And yet I was miserable. I don't know if anything I could go back and tell myself would change that much, though. Even telling myself to take it easy wouldn't have helped. So maybe what I'd say is, "You're no diferent from everyone else in your pain, but you're very different from everyone else in ways you don't even understand. And it just doesn't matter, so try to connect with people instead of thinking you're so alone." Sigh. Very emo of me, huh? But I was a pretty miserable 16 year old and I could have stood to hear it.
3. What is it about Lauren that made you fall in love with her?
You know, it's kinda hard to say. It's been ten years, and neither of us are the same people we were then, honestly. I truly think it was one of those situations where we were just right together. There were a lot of circumstances, too, that really makes it hard to say what first made me fall in love with her. But I do know the things that make me still love her as much right now as I did then. I love her cheerfulness, and the way nothing can ever really get her down for long. I love the way she draws people in and makes them want to talk to her. I love that she can eavesdrop on strangers and then cut into their conversations, and rather than getting mad, they get excited to talk to her. I love that she's intensely optimistic but often assumes or expects the worst--that kind of contradiction is endearing to me. I love that she would put other people first to an extent so ridiculous that I think she deserves someone who would do the same (I would not, I admit) just so that someone puts her first all the time. I love that she cracks herself up in her sleep. I love that even when she has no idea what she's talking about, she'll find something to say. I love that she loves my family and tries really hard to understand what it means to be a sibling to my brothers. I love that she can be righteously indignant in one moment and then have let it go and be laughing or grumbling or who knows what in the next. I love that she's patient with me when I can't be with myself. And I love that even though she would probably be the last person to say this about herself, there is no challenge that she isn't up for.
4. What's your favorite thing about yourself?
You know, you kinda stumped me here. Not because there's nothing I like about myself, but because all the things that I like about myself are ultimately problematic, because they're the things that don't really fit well into The World. So I guess my favorite thing is the way my brain works. I feel like sometimes I see things that other people don't see. Now granted, I don't see 90% of what most other people do, and that's hard, and it's hard to never be able to explain myself, but I like the world that my head is in. I like the way everything makes sense and I like the way I come at trying to figure out the things that don't make sense. It makes it really really hard to live in a world with people who I can't explain myself to, but to me, it's a really comfortable place to be and I like how I think.
5. Do you think you'll stay in MN? If not, where would you like to go? And why?
I'd like to think so. This is home. Despite my feelings about the Jewish community here, it has everything else going for it. I would hate to be without a communal spiritual life for the rest of my life, but compared with what I'd be giving up elsewhere, I'll take it. That said, where would I go? Well, do you know of any cities that are as full of greenery and lakes as this one and have a gay population who's more distributed than concentrated and has a lot of theatre and other artistic stuff going on, and is considered to be in a liberal area? Probably not.
Places I might consider though... Western Massachusetts still, I really did like Northampton even though I didn't feel cool enough to be there, but I really would rather be near a city about the size of Minneapolis. Decatur, GA still intrigues me although it seems that once you're outside of the actual little tiny main part of the city, it could be Any Suburb. Lauren wants to consider Denver. I've never been, but it's someplace that's always interested me. Same applies to Santa Fe. I'd consider cities like Boston, Providence, Baltimore, and DC. I liked Oakland, CA a lot. And Orlando has the bonus of Disney World being right there. Realistically, though, unless my parents move somewhere else... no, I don't really want to move away from here again.
Posted to Lauren & Mental Health & Minnesota & Miscellaneous & Nostalgia at 12:37 PM | Comments (4)
August 11, 2007
Getting to know you...
It seems that that whole 5 questions interview thing is going around again, and I'm a sucker for not having to think about what to talk about, so I'm doing it. In fact, I requested questions from two people, and if you request questions from me and then do it yourself, I'll probably ask for some in return.
Here's how it goes:
1. Leave me a comment and I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
2. Update your website or blog or LJ or whatever with the answers to the questions.
3. Include this explanation and when others comment asking to be asked, you in turn ask them five questions.
**REMINDER: This isn't LJ--if you comment asking for questions, you won't get an email in response when I answer you, you'll have to remember to check back here.
And here are Amanda's questions for me:
1) When an artifact from your childhood (like a certain type of toy, or a television or book series) enjoys a resurgence in popularity, does it make you feel happy and nostalgic or angry and nostalgic? Why?
2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?
3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?
4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?
5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?
Answers after the cut, and yes, obviously, #3 will have spoilers for Harry Potter. Answers to Carly's questions coming in a post soon.
1) When an artifact from your childhood (like a certain type of toy, or a television or book series) enjoys a resurgence in popularity, does it make you feel happy and nostalgic or angry and nostalgic? Why?
This may make me a horrible person, but I usually feel angry. It's the same feeling I get when someone tells me that they're a fan of Rent but I find out they've never seen the play or they didn't see it for the first time until years after I did. I don't really do anything with Rent anymore, but did they sleep out on the sidewalk every Tuesday for an entire summer to see the show? No, I don't think so. Bite me. Anyway, my point is, I get very possessive. I end up feeling like the kids who get to enjoy it now Just Don't Get what it really is all about. Plus, all too often, it's altered to be rereleased, which I just can't stand.
2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?
Carly asked me this too, so I know it must be glaringly obvious that I haven't talked about it in awhile. There are basically two answers to this question. The first answer is that I'm not pursuing anything except breathing right now. I am currently deep in the trenches of figuring out if I can ever work, if I can ever be a parent, if I can ever be anything other than a resource draining lump. And if I sound depressed there, it's because I am. I'm really pretty unhappy about where I'm at on this whole journey and issue but basically... I have no plans or lack of plans.
The second answer is... IF I got to a place where I feel like I can work and I do decide to pursue a career path... The rabbinate is still really really appealing to me. I feel like the actual schooling is a terrific fit for me. I also feel like I really don't want to live in Philly for six years, and having lived somewhere I was miserable last year and now being back here, I'm not sure I'd give up six years living somewhere else for anything. I might. I really don't know. But that leads me to the last issue... I had forgotten, while I was in Oberlin, just HOW much I hate the Jewish community in the Twin Cities. Being back here, Judaism has been much less a part of my life, even internally. I don't like the community or the synagogues or the people I'd be working with. And if I want to live here long term (which... I think we do), there's really no point in being a rabbi because I would never want to work in this community. Right now for me, Judaism is really... whatever the opposite of salient is.
So in sum? I have no idea. It's not off the list of possibilities, it's still the thing I would most like to do. But it's not likely.
3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?
Wifey, if you're reading this, just skip to the next question. Basically I feel like JK Rowling set herself up for failure. There's no way she could have pleased me. I feel like Harry should have died. However, if he had, I'd have been pissed as hell. I do feel, though, that at the very least he should have been the one to deliver the curse that killed Voldemort, but what can ya do? I feel like the pacing of the book was really bad. I missed that heart attack-y feeling from book six. I thought the ENTIRE plot about the Hallows was unnecessary and served absolutely zero purpose. I hated the exposition scene with Dumbledore in "King's Cross" and I didn't really care for the Snape/Lily chapter. I loved Ron and Hermione and seeing some growth in them. I love love love love Neville, and almost as much, I love Luna. I loved Kreacher. I loved HOW Ron and Hermione finally got together. I wanted a lot more Snape. I never liked him, in any book, but I wanted more. I was really underwhelmed, and I don't even like action books. That said? I don't think she could have written anything that I would have liked and I don't think any outcome would have satisfied me (although it's very hard to believe it was a truly horrific war with so few deaths). I wouldn't mind nixing that terrible epilogue. And I just have to say, best part of the WHOLE book was Molly coming at Bellatrix and calling her a bitch. It's really sad, though, when the death I was most upset about was Dobby's, when I hated him so much all along.
4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?
I do feel intimately connected to my name. There are times as a kid where I wished I had the last name Rozenberg (my mom's maiden name) instead of Feldman, and I collect long lists of names that I love, but I've never wished I had an actual different name. I used to want something more unique, but I couldn't tell you what, because to me, I am Rebecca. However, I was almost named Rivkah Michal (reev-kah mee-chal, ch being that hard h sound), which is my Hebrew name, and I would be content with that as my name too. That's not really a change, though, is it? There are names I love, but none of them are ME.
5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?
There are two-- My So-Called Life and Popular. MSCL had so much to offer and I think it was going to go places that teen shows at the time hadn't gone (and maybe still haven't?). It deserved a longer life. I think it could have made a real impact, bigger than it did. Popular was just hilarious and clever and entertaining and I would love to see more.
Posted to Books & Hardly Working & Jew-mania & Mental Health & Mindless Entertainment & Miscellaneous & Nostalgia at 12:27 PM | Comments (3)
March 26, 2007
Hello...
Two summers ago, I wore skirts and t-shirts almost every day, and I went out and read in the sun and went to free concerts and Lauren and I drove around the lakes and our neighborhood with the windows down and the music loud, and we got ice cream from our favorite place and ate out in the courtyard and got together with our friends and bought cookbooks and cooked new things and visited with my family often. I also smiled a lot, even though I cried a lot too. I was scared about what was going to happen in my life but I had a plan and I was excited and nervous.
Last summer, I wore pajamas all the time, I cancelled plans every time I made them, and I didn't leave the house. I stopped talking to my friends and my family, couldn't stand my arms to be bare, and barely smiled.
Now it's nine months later, summer is almost here again, and I'm headed for Summer 2006: The Sequel.
I don't want to blame the change on our year in Oberlin. That change was in me. It was because I'm not taking care of myself. It was because my plans for my future sort of crashed around me, but it was also because I let myself be lonely and didn't push through my fears. It's also because I gained back all the weight lost and then some, and I feel self conscious and gross and don't want to be seen and feel uncomfortable in my own body. And it's been almost a year, and I'm doomed for a repeat.
Today it's 76 degrees and sunny and I feel the urge to be outside reading. I don't even know the last time I felt that urge. It makes me feel hopeful, that if I start right now I can change fast enough to make this summer remind me why I love summer so damn much. But it also makes me want to cry, because I just don't know if I can.
But I can tell you this--a part of me misses being alive, and I need to do whatever I can to cling to that part of me, because the rest of me, however much it is the majority, has been winning for too long.
Posted to Mental Health at 01:53 PM | Comments (1)
November 29, 2006
Murky and Lurky were absolutely the worst...
All my life, I've had a problem with dreams. I have weird ones. They may, when described in plain terms, sound neutral or odd, but to me, in the moment, they're terrifying. I've gone through many several-month-long periods where I was afraid to go to sleep at night because I was afraid of my dreams, and as far as I remember, this has been going on since I was four or five years old.
I even remember my first (and thus far one of only two recurring) problematic nightmare. Let's just say it involved a revolving door that forced me to return back into the grocery I had just tried to leave and every time I went through the checkout, the cashier was a different cartoon villain. Yes, I was an odd duck. For the most part, my dreams aren't nightmares, though. To me, a defining part of a nightmare is something scary happening AND feeling scared; I usually have one or the other, but not both. They're just strange. Just things like stickers on storage bins becoming giant butterflies and... no, I can't even explain. Usually, they're just strange, and they terrify me to the core.
Lately, I've been sleeping very consistent and short (five or so) hours. I've slept consistent hours before, so I don't think that's what's changed. I don't know if it's which hours I'm sleeping (abnormal ones) or if it's how little I'm sleeping, but my memory of my dreams and that horrible, shaken, haunted feeling that usually followed me for a good seven or eight hours after I woke up has all but disappeared. I didn't even notice it, but it's just... gone.
What brought on this realization? Last night I slept for seven hours. I went to bed well over an hour earlier than usual last night and slept just as late, and today, here I am, haunted by a dream. Haunted, tight-chested, horrified, and tired but scared to sleep. Yea! How fun! And people wonder why I don't sleep...
What a way to welcome myself back to journaling. Here, Rebecca, write about your panic and terror. Welcome back.
Posted to Mental Health at 10:34 AM | Comments (1)
August 30, 2006
Proof that sunny days make a big difference
Here's how I know I made the right decision yesterday: I already feel empowered to make some changes in my life. I don't need to fall apart because I failed. I feel awful about letting some people down, but instead of dwelling, I'm already ready to get back to seeing Cindy regularly and working on this, and I'm not counting rabbinical school out of the picture. I'm still willing to believe that I have a future. I didn't feel that way yesterday, but today I have hope.
That's big. Especially when you consider how I handled getting a job offer I wasn't ready for a year ago. This time, I feel ready to keep moving, or start moving, and find the tools so that this doesn't happen again.
Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 01:31 PM | Comments (1)
August 29, 2006
This is the 4th draft. The slightly less angsty version.
Yesterday I ate a banana, a granola bar, and a piece of toast. I drank nothing. Then I had a nervous breakdown.
And today I called in and quit my job.
So what have I learned here?
1) 19 months to get over anxiety about working should be used trying to get over anxiety about working, not just convincing yourself you're "healthier" because there is nothing in your life that will give you an anxiety attack.
2) I can make a good decision for myself more quickly and not let things escalate to the point they did last time.
3) That doesn't make me any less disappointed in myself.
4) Always specify to your family that you don't want them to tell people about your new job until you say otherwise. And don't go to professional development days with your grandma.
5) Never cancel an appointment with your therapist just because your boss says to. If you've been waiting a year to start seeing your therapist again and have as many issues as I do, TAKE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT.
6) Loud music really can fix almost anything temporarily.
I feel pretty awful right now, but I would appreciate it if people don't offer me a lot of encouraging words. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really need to take care of my issues before I can accept any sort of kindness about this. The only reason I'm posting about this at all is that I posted about getting the job and this will hopefully prevent a lot of people from asking me questions about how it's going. I love your support, but right now I need to wallow. Lorelai Gilmore taught me that.
Thank goodness Xena (FINE! Lucy Lawless) is going to be singing on that new celebrity American Idolish TV show tonight so I have something horrifying about someone else to focus on.
Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 12:51 PM | Comments (3)
August 19, 2006
The #6 will be my new best friend
Starting Monday, when I begin my new job, I have to take the bus to and from work every day. I have a serious fear of riding the bus. Of all my fears and anxieties, I'd put it in the top five, easily. Part of this seems to be related to having AS or some other wonderful result of my genetic material, because Koby and my dad have the same fear. We've discussed it exactly once, and we independently had the same reasons for hating the bus. How do you know when to get off? How do you make sure the bus is stopping? What if you aren't paying attention? What if you're slow putting in your fare and the person behinds you gets upset? How do you get off without tripping over yourself in the aisles? Do people really pull that little cord or is that just something they do in the movies? What if the bus is ten seconds late, giving you the opportunity to have a full on mental breakdown over the possibility that the apocolypse has arrived or you've accidentally misread your watch and all the clocks in your house since waking up that day? And yes, I'm absolutely serious about those fears, especially the last one. I also personally have a fear of strangers, especially teenage boys, followed by grown men, followed by teenage girls, followed by anyone older than my parents. Anyone who wants to make conversation with me is scariest of all. I've ridden a public bus in Minneapolis only once, and on the way there, we were surrounded by shady men, and on the way back, we somehow missed the last bus of the night and ended up needing to hide out in Daytons until we could find a ride. I was with someone who was pretty street savvy for a suburban kid, especially since we were about 14, but I was terrified anyway, and I don't think she was particularly thrilled either. However, as much as my fear and hatred of all things buses may be passed on genetically, I also had a scarring experience in kindergarten that will forever mold how I think of buses. I was going home after school with my friend Ryan. We sat together on the bus, and he fell asleep. Despite the fact that I knew several other kids on the bus, I sat quietly in my seat and said nothing. When we got to his street, his twin sister and older brother got off. As I remember it, his sister may have even said something to me about telling their mom Ryan was asleep. I can't remember whether I tried to wake Ryan up or just sat there in a panic, doing nothing. Either way, when the bus route ended, there I was, sitting in my seat with Ryan still asleep next to me. The bus driver was very nice and drove us right back to his house, but the fact that I have such a vivid memory of this event tells me that genetics can't be the only reason that buses terrify me. By the way, I have almost no fear of subways. Trying figuring that one out.Posted to Mental Health & Nostalgia at 04:06 AM | Comments (6)
July 21, 2006
A heavy entry for a Friday
This Sunday is visitors' day at Herzl Camp. I want to go. Badly. But I don't think I am.
It's hard to explain Herzl to someone who has never been there. It's even hard to explain my relationship with Herzl to someone who felt differently about it. Every summer, I was miserable. Of all the places in my life where I felt left out, lonely, and misunderstood, Herzl was the worst. Even the summers when I had great friends there, I was lonely and depressed. I begged my counselors to let me call home, I had anxiety attacks (even though I didn't know at the time that that's what they were) over certain activities, and I created the best excuses and found the best places to hide.
Every year, I swore I would never go back. And every year, I would wait anxiously for the sign-up forms to arrive in the mail and insist that we turn them in immediately to assure my place at camp. When I got to be too old to be a camper, I felt like I was losing part of my identity.
During my sophomore of college, I decided that I had too many regrets about things that shouldn't have been such a big deal. I started on my very cornily titled "journey to yes" that involved doing my winter term project at my old middle school and working on the BESY play. I left those experiences feeling much better about those places and really embraced the idea that if I could create a positive experience, I could wipe out the negative emotions--if not the memories--associated with those times in my life.
So I applied to work at Herzl. No one I went to camp with, not one single person, understood why I was doing it. I couldn't explain it. I just had to. And it started out really well. I learned that some people who I really hadn't liked as a kid turned out to be decent human beings. I discovered that I was capable of being friendly with a group of my peers who I had previously seen as the enemy. I met some absolutely amazing kids, a few of whom I'm still in touch with now.
But this was before I knew that I had AS and before I knew what to do to get through a rough day, and it didn't take long for me to start having anxiety attacks every few hours. I had to leave camp without completing the summer. In some ways, that summer was a success. In others, it was worse than if I had never gone. I guess that fits the pattern...
I haven't admitted to myself until very recently how much that experience affected me. I feel like I'm up against a brick wall, trying to walk forward but completely stuck by the idea that I still couldn't make it, even as a 20 year old. I feel like a pretty big failure. I wish I could go back and work there again, but without Lauren by my side, it's not going to happen, and I really am too old now.
Still, I have a lot of love for Herzl. It was a really big part of my life, even though I figure I've only spent a total of about 140 of the over 9300 days that I've been alive there. I truly love what Herzl is--a place for Jewish kids to live in a Jewish space and see Judaism on a daily basis as a regular part of their lives, where they can be away from most adults, take ownership of themselves and their identities, and have adventures. True, it's also a place where social norms are distorted, uncool kids never have a chance to feel good about themselves, and there are unwritten rules about being peppy and energetic that are oppressive to kids who just don't feel that way--but it made me who I am. It's had a huge influence on what I want to do with my life, both in terms of being a parent and in terms of a career.
And I want to go to visitors' day. I took Lauren to see the camp last year in May. There were about 10 people there, mostly young kids and their parents. I showed her around. I took her to every significant place and showed her every plaque I worked on. I sat on the mercaz and felt empty and I stood in the heavy dew and remembered. I have no good reason to go back now, but I can't let go. This time, if we go, there will be hundreds of people there celebrating Herzl's 60th anniversary. Several of my old campers as well as my future step-cousin will be there. It will still be hard and painful, but it'll be more real to camp.
But I can't go by myself. I need a friend to come with me and Lauren, who doesn't know camp herself. I can't face it alone. And no one wants to go.
Posted to Jew-mania & Mental Health & Nostalgia at 01:52 PM | Comments (2)
July 18, 2006
owning up
Today I made my first real phone call since we moved back to Minnesota.
Yes, I've used the phone before today. I've returned calls, I've talked to a few people who have called me, and I've made logistical calls, like my call to the insurance people to find out my therapist is covered (which is quite apropos as an example, actually). But I have not just picked up the phone and called someone who I care about because I want to talk to them.
For the entire half hour before I called, all through the voicemail I left, and even now, I felt like throwing up. My heart is racing.
I think is a clear sign that something's very wrong with me. And the more frightening (and also encouraging) thing is that this is me feeling better. I'm going to focus on the part of that that's encouraging. Because I have to.
I'm not going to get into how horribly I've been doing for the last month and a half. Instead, I'm going to go pick up the phone and call someone else who deserves to hear from me after being very patient waiting for me to return her calls. Hopefully she's not too annoyed with me.
And I WILL keep feeling better and better.
Posted to Mental Health at 02:05 PM | Comments (2)
July 11, 2006
Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me
Moving to a new place always involves making some adjustments. In the case of our current apartment, most of these adjustments have been positive. We have laundry now. We have a second bedroom. We have furniture that doesn't irritate my skin. We have a better kitchen. The building walls are thicker. Some very minor things have been negative. We have less storage space (believe it or not). Our good-fabric furniture is less comfortable. The dining space is worse.
But believe it or not, of all the things about this apartment that are taking me some time to get used to, the most difficult has been that our windows face east. I'm sure to many people, which direction their windows face wouldn't matter at all, but it's a first for me, and it's throwing me off. I've had bedrooms that faced south, east, and north, and bedrooms underground, but never a bedroom that faces west, away from the morning sun.
I rely on the sun to wake me up every day. When I set an alarm, the sun is what makes it easy for me to get up. When I don't set an alarm, I trust the sun to wake me up before I've slept the day away. But in the 10 days that we've lived here, I've overslept every single day. And I don't like it. It's been bright and sunny every day since we moved in, but we don't realize that until we open our blinds. I wake up every morning thinking it's overcast and going to be a crappy day. I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it's not the worst down side an apartment could have, but it's messing with me pretty badly.
For someone who needs a sun lamp anyway, it's a hard adjustment to make.
Posted to Mental Health at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)
July 09, 2006
It's always better if I post when I'm in a good mood
I have been in a terrible mood lately. Like, for at least the last three weeks. I've just wanted to hibernate in a cave and not talk to anyone or see anyone. We did go out with Stuart and Mary, and Carly came over (I refused to leave the apartment), but other than that, I've seen no one but my family.
Today, however, I feel wonderful. There's no good reason for this. The sky, while gorgeous, is no bluer than it has been every other day this summer. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, so it can't be that I'm well rested. The apartment isn't suddenly clean and unpacked, so no weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just feel good.
This morning, Lauren left for an overnight retreat with her staff, and I immediately took a shower (yes, voluntarily, and even knowing I wouldn't see anyone in the next 36 hours) and then turned on the Food Network. I read a book. I turned on the World Cup game. I did a load of laundry. I opened all the windows. I ordered us a dishwasher that will be here on Wednesday. I feel wonderful, even though I'm tired and my back hurts and once the game ends, there's nothing on TV.
I also finally got around to tackling a recipe for lemon cookies that I've been dying to try for well over a year. We never could because we didn't have a food processor or stand mixer. Now we do, and one of the first things I said to Lauren when we unpacked our kitchen was, "Now we can make the lemon cookies!" Right now, the batter is cooling in the fridge. I'm not 100% confident that I did everything right, but the batter is yummy, so I'm going to assume all is well. I don't even mind that there wasn't enough lemon juice and I'm going to have to juice some of the lemons I zested this morning. But it is too bad I didn't wait three days so that I wouldn't have to wash the CuisinArt by hand...
I have nothing looming ahead of me for the next 24 hours until Lauren gets home. I can stay up all night or I can go to bed early. I can read a bunch of BSC books or I can zone out in front of the TV. I can watch the entire second season of Popular without moving. I can eat ice cream. I can clean if I want to. I can not answer a SINGLE phone call unless it's my wifey.
I'm very happy.
Posted to Mental Health at 03:25 PM | Comments (1)
May 10, 2006
Confronting my past
As I've mentioned about a million times, right now I'm reading all the BSC books in order. Today I read #32, Kristy and the Secret of Susan. I have to admit that ever since I started this venture, I've been anxious to get to this book, wondering what I'd think of it now.
When I first read Kristy and the Secret of Susan in 1990, it was the first time I'd heard of autism. I was fascinated. I decided, at 9 years old, that I wanted to work with autistic kids someday. That interest never disappeared. There was something I couldn't put my finger on about autism that made my stomach turn.
I didn't retain a lot of the actual information in that book, and now that I've reread it, I'm surprised that Ann M. Martin was willing to depict Susan the way she did. For most of the book, it appeared that Susan's life was pretty hopeless. It wasn't until the very end that Kristy understood that just because Susan was too developmentally needy to even go to a special ed day school didn't mean that her parents didn't hold out hope for her life. The book was clear that not all autistic children are savants, that IQ is pretty secondary, and that autistic kids have varying levels of communication abilities. The only thing the book left out, as far as I'm concerned, is how violent autistic kids can be when that's the only way they know how to communicate.
But somehow, reading it this time while understanding why I was so interested as a kid was a little depressing. A teensy bit of that is because I don't feel that great about having a disability that affects me so much, but more than that, I feel that desperate "no one will ever understand what it's like to be me" feeling that has made me feel so isolated on and off for my entire life. I know that everyone feels that way sometimes, but knowing that I have a disorder that my wife and friends will never really GET can be frustrating.
I'm glad I reread this book, but I don't think I'll be reading it again any time soon. I'm especially glad that I was introduced to autism this way when I was young, though. It was important for me. It made the whole thing less scary when Aspergers became a reality for me.
After all, if Ann M. Martin covered it, it couldn't be TOO horrible.
Posted to Books & Mental Health & Nostalgia at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2006
great, something thrilling to dwell on at the airport tomorrow...
I promised a more meaningful entry when I got home tomorrow, but it turns out that this really IS the time for introspection and I feel like getting some of it out right now.
First of all, I would like to point out that try very hard to avoid any sort of melodramatic, emotional, soul-searching stuff on this site. I occasionally get into some mental health related business and I sometimes allude to things I'm dealing with, but usually, I try to stay away from spilling my guts to everyone. After all, that's why I have a psychologist in Minnesota who charges me $120 an hour (she's worth every penny, I swear).
It's time, however, that I share with you one of my Very Big Issues. It's such a big issue, in fact, that I've managed to completely avoid bringing it up in therapy. This could be because I rarely get to see my therapist, what with her being in another state and all, or it could be because it's Just That Big and I'm scared to tackle it. It's the kind of issue that, by its very nature, prevents me from dealing with it. A vicious circle. So what is this issue?
I'm terrified of success.
I know that sounds ridiculous. Who's terrified of success? Failure, of course, but success?? And isn't fear of success the same as the fear of failure, but disguised? Valid questions, I suppose, but you'll just have to trust me. It's different than a fear of failure. And of course it's crazy and convoluted. I'm not the type of person to go for a simple thing like fear of failure. I've been crazy since I was at least 7; I've had time to perfect my craziness and find things to torture me that most people would consider reasons to lock a person away.
Anyway. Fear of success. This has been an ongoing issue for quite some time now, but in the last year, I've managed to completely avoid any situations where I might either fail OR succeed, thereby dulling my awareness that this issue plagues me. So I was completely blown out of the water earlier this week when I was offered an interview for a job that I really really want. Actually, it didn't even take being offered the interview for me to panic -- I began to panic several days before that, when someone from the search committee called to confirm that they had gotten my application and would be contacting me in the next week.
It took approximately 24 hours after that phone call for me to decide that maybe I don't really want to work with Jewish youth, or Judaism at all. Maybe what I actually want to do is go to law school. Or maybe I should consider counseling psychology after all. Or maybe I should get that masters in social justice education.
I've been doing well lately, so after a brief freak out in front of my mom, I put all that aside and reminded myself that I've been interested in the rabbinate for a full year now, and that I need to give this a chance. However, that afternoon I got the interview offer, and the next thing I knew, I was on the LSAT website trying to find out what kind of things I'd need to learn to take the test and looking at the websites of law programs in the Twin Cities.
Um, what?
Since then, I've managed to calm down. The interview came with, essentially, a homework assignment, and I've been plugging away at that. It's reenergized me about this career option, and I'm much more excited about it than I even was when I initially applied. In fact, I'm having a blast and dusting off my old RA skills. Even a conversation with Carly last night about this fear of success wasn't able to derail me. And this afternoon, I finished two of the four "assignments" I needed to get done to send to them. I'm proud of that.
But if you think I didn't also go check out Princeton Review's a Day in the Life of an Attorney page tonight, you don't know me at all.
Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 12:23 AM | Comments (3)
March 22, 2006
Dar Williams is the right music choice for today's mood
My horoscope for this week begins, "It's the Introspection Season, Capricorn." Since when do I, of all people, need permission or prompting to be introspective?
Being home this week has been absolutely what I needed right now. I think I'm probably about 100 times crazier than I was when I arrived, but instead of feeling dead on my feet, I feel like life has been breathed back into me. The question is whether this is because I'm with my family in a familiar place or because I'm away from Oberlin and have purpose in my life. A week ago, that question wouldn't have mattered because all future plans would have included both of those things. Now that's less certain, but then again, that uncertainty may be part of what has enlivened me.
Wow, I sound like I'm talking in code. Let's just say I feel crazy, but better.
I've spent this entire week doing nothing but going to Home Depot and granite suppliers and visiting family, and it's been good. I have a lot to think about, and more to say, but right now, my wife is finally home, and I have a whole two hours to myself before I go out to dinner with my grandparents, so I'm going to go chill out a little bit before I get thrown back to the wolves in Oberlin tomorrow. I promise an update that makes more sense once I'm back there.
Posted to Mental Health & Minnesota at 03:27 PM | Comments (1)
February 02, 2006
I guess it's all just fodder for that book Lauren says I should write...
First of all, I just have to share that this is my 100th post since switching over to Movable Type. That's probably completely insignificant, since I've been keeping an online journal for over 10 years now, but I don't care. It's fun to acknowledge.
Moving on.
The end of this week marks the end of J Term at Oberlin, and I'm less than thrilled about it. Although this month hasn't been perfect -- we can't go to bed until about 3 am unless we want to be awoken many many times -- it's been an AMAZING break from the normal anxiety-inducing noisy crap that comes with living in this building. Tomorrow morning we leave for San Diego, and although I'm thrilled that we won't be back until midnight on Sunday, thus managing to completely miss any sort of Superbowl craze, I'm dreading our return. When we get back, the students will all be back. Spring semester will likely be even louder than fall, as the freshmen don't require that same settling-in period and cabin fever sets in and makes everyone crazy.
I've really tried hard to give this living situation a shot and to not immediately write off the people who are affecting my mental health, but somehow, I can't help but fear the upcoming months. January has felt like an entire semester, and the thought that we have to live here for ANOTHER semester, for four more months, is beyond overwhelming.
I'm going to try to not create any self-fulfilling prophecies, and to focus my energy on enjoying my Hebrew classes, which start back up on Tuesday, and hope that Lauren can find a job somewhere where, even if the living situation is as bad, I have other outlets in my life that will give me a break from the insanity.
This didn't quite turn out to be the positive entry I had hoped for. Oops.
Posted to Mental Health & Oberlin at 11:13 AM | Comments (2)
January 12, 2006
Just so y'all don't think I'm always depressed
The sun is shining for the first time since we got back to Ohio, and I have the curtains open. I haven't felt this good in weeks. Maybe I should look into buying a light box or a natural sunrise alarm clock after all.
Posted to Mental Health at 01:12 PM | Comments (0)
December 07, 2005
"I know of no more disagreeable situation than to be left feeling generally angry without anybody in particular to be angry at." -Frank Moore Colby
I'm not really sure why, but about 5 days ago, I woke up PISSED OFF. Not angry, not cranky, but pissed. It hasn't been willing to let up.
I sure wish I knew why, but things that would normally annoy me, make me cry, or just wear me out have me ranting and raving in ways that make zero sense about things that aren't really that big of a deal. I'm pissed about a classmate not responding to emails. I'm pissed about students playing the piano after music hours. I'm pissed about students running through the halls yelling at 2 am. I'm pissed that I haven't been able to go to the bookstore this week. I'm pissed that Lauren was on call last week. I'm pissed that food tastes yucky. I'm pissed that we should save our money and shouldn't buy chalkboards and spice racks for our kitchen. I'm pissed that we have too many books for our shelf and no space for a new one. I'm pissed that we had to rearrange our living room furniture so that we don't freeze, and I'm pissed that Lauren didn't come home to the new layout and proclaim me a design genius. I'm pissed that in order to have a baby, I'd have to lose weight and get over my needle phobia. I'm pissed that poor Lauren, who hasn't slept in forever because she was on call last week, won't stay up and talk to me. I'm pissed that Girlyman only has 2 albums out.
I could go on. But I think I'll spare us all.
I don't know what's wrong with me. It could be PMS, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm a cry-er, not a yell-er. I don't know what this is about. It's frustrating. And that pisses me off too.
Oy. Someone save me from myself.
Posted to Mental Health at 12:54 AM | Comments (2)
December 02, 2005
maybe doing things I don't want to do is what this is all about
I applied for a job.
That's bizarre for so many reasons. The first of which is that it's in Minnesota and starts "immediately" and... well, no "and", just that. It makes no sense of me. Another reason is that it's the first concrete step I've taken toward working in the 11 months since I quit my last job. I applied for one job that I kinda wanted back in March and didn't get it, and I applied for 2 student affairs jobs in April that I ended up rejecting before they could tell me yes or no, because I just didn't want to. And of course, there was that disaster in August where I was offered a job I never applied for and it drove me into the worst depression I've dealt with in 10 years.
But... Something about it just made me apply when I saw the listing last Friday. The HR director called me Wednesday, and I called her back today. Now I'm waiting to hear from her. I have a minute sense of dread, but mostly, I feel resigned to the idea that I'm an adult now and that I need to work and that if I take better care of myself, I can do this.
That's going to be the key. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body. Getting out if I need to, and quickly. Doing the other things that I've found to help keep me sane. Being back in Minnesota would mean I could see my therapist again regularly. I saw her over Thanksgiving break and wow, do I miss that. I could resume EMDR and deal with some of my anxiety that way. I also have a passion in my life besides my family right now, and that's important. It's a passion that, while related to the area in which I plan to work, will remain in my life whether or not I succeed at any job. That was missing during grad school.
I have this serious feeling hanging over me. Not just about this. About babies and houses and money, too. I have this feeling that this time around, it won't be a game. While that feeling is a little stifling, it's also a good thing. I'll be 25 in a month; it's time be a little more grown up. I feel good about that. It's true that if I could, I'd do exactly what I do now for the rest of my life, but I can't. I've accepted that, too.
So I still don't know why I applied for a job that logistically, I can't really accept unless Lauren and I are willing to live apart, but I did. And even though I feel kind of sick about it, I'm glad I did.
Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health & Miscellaneous & Nesting at 06:35 PM | Comments (2)
October 31, 2005
I miss myself
In 36 hours I'll be on my way to Philadelphia. At the moment, I don't really want to go.
Fall break ended tonight and today all the residents of this building returned. I had already forgotten how disruptive the noise is here. I'm not a student anymore and this lifestyle doesn't work for me. The good news is that out of the 30 days in November, I'll be out of Ohio for at least 13 of them. Then I have a few weeks in December to get through and it's winter break and quiet, quiet January.
Tuesday morning I take my Hebrew midterm, which I have yet to study for, and then I immediately depart for PA. I'm scared as hell about this trip. We'll be staying with a stranger and on a timetable decided by the school. I'll have 5 days of being ON all the time, knowing that everything I do could have an impact on my future. And right now, I'm just not up for that. I'm tired, and my schedule is all out of whack, and I really want to spend the next week home alone, in silence. I loved having Lauren around so much this last week, but I feel competely thrown off.
I've also been questioning my plans to apply to RRC lately. If I really CAN'T work, is it a waste of our resources for me to do this? And after 3 years off of doing any work (because St. Thomas was NOT work, in the academic sense), can I refocus myself enough to work that hard for 6 more years?
Like Lauren says, finding that out is what this coming week will be all about, but I'm just so tired...
So tomorrow I'll dust and do dishes and tidy up a little and I'll study for my Hebrew exam. I'll pack for our trip to Philadelphia and maybe I'll call my mom. Tuesday I'll take my midterm and sit through a nerve-wracking seven-and-a-half-hour car ride and meet the stranger whose house we'll be invading for 5 days. And a week from now, I'll be home and about to start a week of regularity and I'll calm down and get my confidence back. And three weeks from now, I'll be on my way home for a week with my family (though without Lauren, unfortunately). And I can do that.
I can do this.
Posted to Jew-mania & Mental Health at 12:20 AM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2005
the month Rebecca's crazy returned
I've decided to go home for Thanksgiving. More accurately, Lauren and I have both decided to go to our respective parents' homes for Thanksgiving. We're talking 7 or 8 days apart, which is the longest we'll ever have been apart since we officially moved in together two and a half years ago. I DON'T like it, especially since Thanksgiving is really OUR holiday, but it's the best option for so many reasons...
Anyway, what I wanted to share about that is that I'm excited to say I got an appointment with my old therapist there. She told me that if I ever come in to visit, I should come see her, and I really need to at this point.
The EMDR I had in April was SO helpful to me (since I wrote about that before this site was revamped, I've reposted that entry as an extended entry here). At the time it was on something kind of unimportant, but I knew that there was a possibility we would have to live in a dorm or apartment building again, so I did mine on noise, specifically people noises. I felt a lot better afterward, although I really couldn't tell if the change was truly in my subconscious or if it was intellectual. After moving here, I found that it truly changed the way my brain was working. For the first two months that we lived here, the noises didn't cause me any anxiety AT ALL.
In the last few weeks, however, I seem to have regressed somewhat. I'm certainly nowhere near as traumatized as I used to be, and my anxiety ATTACKS related to noise are still so infrequent in comparison, but as the noise level has increased and my awareness that we have at least another 7 months here has increased, so has my anxiety.
I'm now a knee-bouncing, head-whipping, bug-eyed mess.
So I'm really very glad that I can go see Cindy again when I go home. I'm sure that we won't be able to do any EMDR unless she can squeeze in a second appointment, but just talking to someone who seems to get my stuff is so helpful.
Oh, yeah, and being away from this place, in a familiar city with my own family in their home for a week couldn't hurt, either...
Here's my original entry about EMDR:
EMDR, yo. (April 22, 2005)
I know it's really early to say this, but I really like the new chick on Starting Over. I mean, I like her personality and identify with her issues. And she's kinda my type, too. Eh.
I did my first EMDR session this morning. At the time, it seemed very normal. Now, thinking back, recalling it feels slightly surreal. Several people were really interested last time I mentioned it, so I'll try to give a pretty thorough description. I'll cut for those who don't care.
She asked me in advance to have one specific anxiety-inducing thing in mind, so I chose my anxiety around people being really noisy outside my living space. I had to answer what negative thoughts that made me have about myself, and then what feelings that made me have. Then I had to tell her where I felt my anxiety and on a scale from 0-10, how disruptive this was at that moment. Also, she wanted to know what good things I would like to think about myself instead.
My answers to those questions were:
1) The negative thoughts about myself are that I'm helpless (because if something bad were to happen, I wouldn't know what to do) and that I'm crazy (sane people don't let this affect them like this).
2) That made me feel scared, lonely, and threatened.
3) I felt my anxiety in my upper chest and the bottom of my throat.
4) As we were talking about it, I was at a 7.5 or 8.
5) I would like to believe that it's normal to be a little bit bothered by this kind of noise and I'd like to believe that I have the tools to handle anything that might come up.
Then all we did is she sat close to me and told me to get a picture of it in my mind (I chose to focus on one specific time that was really bad and really memorable), and while she moved her fingers back and forth in front of my face, I was to think about that picture, those negative thoughts, and my chest/throat.
We did that for a little and then she stopped, had me take a breath, and then tell her what picture was in my mind. Then with that new picture, we did it again. Repeat.
We had to kind of start over at one point because I was having a lot of trouble having a picture in my mind at the end of a cycle. We just kept going. I cried a few times. When we were done, she said we'd been doing it for a half hour -- it felt like 5 minutes to me.
She asked where the disruptiveness level was then, and I said a 3 to 4. That's the only drastic anything that came from this. I don't feel like a whole new person, I don't know if I'll still be scared if I hear people outside, I don't know if it'll make any difference. But at that moment, I felt lighter and less scared.
During the treatment, I felt like I was having a realization, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to. I felt like I realized the reason I have this anxiety is because I don't trust myself. I know that may sound obvious, but I first had to go from people noise -> rude Ryan -> torn down bulletin boards -> not torn down bulletin boards -> residents who need me but don't want to be my friend -> I feel socially incompetent -> I argue too much -> I let other people make me feel badly about who I am -> I put myself in situations that I know aren't right for me (major major crying goes here) -> I don't trust myself to be real and make the right decisions for me. I felt like I was done at that point, but we did two more rounds after that.
I don't have any major side effects so far. I was really energized at first, and I felt light and accomplished. As the day has worn on, I've gotten very tired. I could easily go to bed and not get up for quite awhile.
Overall, I would say it was really good, and Cindy (the therapist) is wonderful. I'm excited to do it again next Friday. I can't speak to its long-term effects, but anyone considering it should try it, especially if they can find a therapist they like. Cindy pointed out in between a couple rounds that we were already further than we'd get in 5 sessions of talking, and I believe she's right. I have more insight about how my brain is connected now, and even though I over-intellectualize (which she said is normal for people like me) I feel like I have better understanding.
I hope it also makes a difference in my actual anxiety level, but if not, I still think it was definitely worth doing.
And if anyone has other questions about it, just ask -- I'm happy to answer.
Posted to Mental Health at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)
October 11, 2005
Reasons Today Sucks
I. Am. CRANKY.
I had a massive anxiety attack on Saturday night, and ever since, all has NOT been right in my world. Every little thing pisses me off.
Today's annoyances:
I guess that's it. For today. I'm just a ball of cranky. I generally do a very good job of letting this stuff go. But right now, I just wanna throw a temper tantrum and stay in bed for the next two weeks.
I hate feeling this way.
Posted to Mental Health & Miscellaneous at 03:08 PM | Comments (2)
September 07, 2005
please help me be normal, and not me
Does anyone know of a cure for being THE MOST UPTIGHT PERSON ALIVE?
Posted to Mental Health at 07:12 PM | Comments (2)
August 26, 2005
Why can't I just do the best thing for myself and stay home?
I swear I'm going to puke if I have to keep my lunch plans. I just feel sick at the thought of leaving the house today. But then again, if I don't go today, I have to do it another day, and since I already managed to shower today -- BEFORE NOON -- I suppose I should just get it over with. But really, my stomach is a mess. I just want to stay home and not feel sick.
Yesterday Lauren and I took advantage of her getting done with work at 3:30 to go to Elyria to open a bank account. I already miss TCF. Our new bank doesn't allow us to transfer money between accounts without doing a wire transfer. There are other issues, but that one bothers me the most. And then there's the fact that the closest branch is in ELYRIA, 20 minutes away by car. So Lauren will be doing our depositing and withdrawing, and I'll just be doing online monitoring. Some financial head of the household I am!
And of course, neither TCF nor our new bank are available in Philadelphia, so if we move there next, we'll have to start over again. I hate banking.
Ugh, I swear I'm going to throw up. I really am. I don't know why I constantly put myself in this situation where I'm doing the "right" thing instead of taking care of myself. When am I going to learn that my health is the MOST important thing?
Posted to Mental Health & Oberlin at 09:03 AM | Comments (0)
August 09, 2005
This is why K (I know you're reading, even if you don't comment!) used to call me a drama queen
Today I learned that despite taking an extra 45 minutes, a potato baked in an oven is much better than one prepared in a microwave.
I also learned that I'm going to survive.
Honestly, it was touch and go for the last 36 hours or so. I haven't been that depressed in years and years. I wouldn't say that I'm doing great right now, but it's a lot better than last night, when I was seriously begging Lauren to promise me that I'd never have to talk to another person for the rest of my life. Right now I'd settle for not talking to anyone for another few days.
Yesterday, I was ready to give up on my career goals and curl up in a ball in the closet with a book for the rest of my life. Now, I have made it through three novels in the past two days, but I'm feeling a little better. In fact, better enough that I actually still want to take Hebrew this fall on the off chance that I can muster up the courage to go to RRC in a year or two.
I've spent a lot of time in the last four days thinking about whether I wanted to be goal-oriented and to conquer the world or to be disabled and needy. I know, in my head, that I can be both disabled and world-conquering, but lately, it just hasn't felt that way. My belief in my ability to be both wavers, and that's something I need to work on. Because I don't have a choice -- I do have a disability. No matter what I do, I will never have the same natural abilities in certain areas that other people do. I do know that. It's just that sometimes, I believe that I can compensate, and other times, I don't.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm feeling a smidge better today. Better enough that I wrote my therapist in Minnesota an email, like I was supposed to when I got here, and better enough that I may actually answer the phone tomorrow, if someone calls. And maybe I'll even answer a few emails today.
I'm just thankful that the deep, despairing depression I felt yesterday (the shortest bout of that dark kind ever) is on its way to returning to my regular level of depression, the one that I know consciously that I can beat and can push through. The one I live with every day and have beaten over and over for my entire life. Yesterday, for the first time since high school, I really didn't know if I was going to make it. Today, I believe I have a chance.
Posted to Mental Health at 02:28 PM | Comments (0)
August 06, 2005
Where's a good therapist when you need one?
I think I spoke too soon about not enough going on over here. A lot has been going on, though most of it is not stuff that I really want to talk about here. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster regarding my future, all brought on by this potential job with Hillel. In short, I'm a mess. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Today I ran into Meg M. downtown. She's someone I hope to get to know better this year. It's so strange how much the people I thought of as "my girls" have matured. They're not these clueless freshmen with unending energy anymore... They've got a lot more perspective and I'm really looking forward to getting to know them again as seniors. As long as I'm careful not to start comparing myself to them or thinking of myself as a student, it should be a lot of fun.
I'm also really homesick. It hit me suddenly today that as cool as the town of Oberlin can be, it's no Minneapolis. It was a busy day in town today because of some family fun festival and a classic car show, but it still wasn't the lakes. Black River is good for breakfast, but not as good as my favorite places at home. We took a nice drive, but it made me feel lonely and unsure of where I was. And there's no driving to see my parents and brothers and the dog when I need to feel like I'm home. And seeing Carly G. every day seems like something that happened SO long ago... I didn't think this homesickness would come on so quickly, but it has. Thankfully, it's not an all-consuming, the-world-is-coming-to-an-end kind of homesickness like I had in college.
Tomorrow Matt is coming over, and I'm thrilled. Even though he lives in Ohio, I think of him as part of my Bigger Life, the life I'll always have no matter where home is. He's someone I expect to know for a long time, and a person who I always feel safe around, even when I'm feeling crummy. Plus, I know Lauren has missed him terribly.
In the meantime, I'm going to finish the very last of the unpacking and watch Big Brother 6, and that will get me through the night.
Posted to Mental Health & Oberlin at 06:09 PM | Comments (0)
July 10, 2005
angsty and corny in one entry!
I'm a mess. A big, ugly, reminiscent-of-my-14-year-old-self mess. I've been sick this week. Both the physical kind of sick and the Asperger's kind of sick. Trying to pack for a cross-country move and also trying to figure out how the hell to make this website not so ugly now that I'm using Movable Type after years of claiming tables were the only gods I worshipped not to mention how to make all those LJ people get their butts over here to read while repeatedly debating entering in all my archives versus "starting fresh" hasn't really helped.
Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't harp on the little crap.
But tonight I exercised just a little, and for about 10 minutes, I felt better. That was good. And I ordered boxes for packing, and that was good. And I was a good granddaughter and went out to lunch for my baubie's birthday today, which was... reasonably good. At least it was good for my Guilt Issues.
I'm also really sad right now. I let the last two years really suck out everything good inside me, and I'm sort of at a loss as to where to start to get back to my life. I'm really hoping the move will help me, even though we're going back to a place that wasn't always so good to me. I'm hoping that this time, I'll be able to see Oberlin as a place where I can make good choices instead of seeing it as The Evil College That Sucked Out My Soul (Sometimes).
And if nothing else, I have my new career goals to hang on to, and a really supportive wife who makes my life safe and happy and really full of laughter. And that's very good.
Posted to Mental Health at 11:53 PM | Comments (4)