deliciously.org

August 11, 2007

Getting to know you...

It seems that that whole 5 questions interview thing is going around again, and I'm a sucker for not having to think about what to talk about, so I'm doing it. In fact, I requested questions from two people, and if you request questions from me and then do it yourself, I'll probably ask for some in return.

Here's how it goes:
1. Leave me a comment and I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
2. Update your website or blog or LJ or whatever with the answers to the questions.
3. Include this explanation and when others comment asking to be asked, you in turn ask them five questions.

**REMINDER: This isn't LJ--if you comment asking for questions, you won't get an email in response when I answer you, you'll have to remember to check back here.

And here are Amanda's questions for me:

1) When an artifact from your childhood (like a certain type of toy, or a television or book series) enjoys a resurgence in popularity, does it make you feel happy and nostalgic or angry and nostalgic? Why?
2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?
3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?
4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?
5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?

Answers after the cut, and yes, obviously, #3 will have spoilers for Harry Potter. Answers to Carly's questions coming in a post soon.

This may make me a horrible person, but I usually feel angry. It's the same feeling I get when someone tells me that they're a fan of Rent but I find out they've never seen the play or they didn't see it for the first time until years after I did. I don't really do anything with Rent anymore, but did they sleep out on the sidewalk every Tuesday for an entire summer to see the show? No, I don't think so. Bite me. Anyway, my point is, I get very possessive. I end up feeling like the kids who get to enjoy it now Just Don't Get what it really is all about. Plus, all too often, it's altered to be rereleased, which I just can't stand.

2) Are you still pursuing rabbinical school? If so, how is that coming along? If not, why did you decide to put that goal on the backburner?

Carly asked me this too, so I know it must be glaringly obvious that I haven't talked about it in awhile. There are basically two answers to this question. The first answer is that I'm not pursuing anything except breathing right now. I am currently deep in the trenches of figuring out if I can ever work, if I can ever be a parent, if I can ever be anything other than a resource draining lump. And if I sound depressed there, it's because I am. I'm really pretty unhappy about where I'm at on this whole journey and issue but basically... I have no plans or lack of plans.

The second answer is... IF I got to a place where I feel like I can work and I do decide to pursue a career path... The rabbinate is still really really appealing to me. I feel like the actual schooling is a terrific fit for me. I also feel like I really don't want to live in Philly for six years, and having lived somewhere I was miserable last year and now being back here, I'm not sure I'd give up six years living somewhere else for anything. I might. I really don't know. But that leads me to the last issue... I had forgotten, while I was in Oberlin, just HOW much I hate the Jewish community in the Twin Cities. Being back here, Judaism has been much less a part of my life, even internally. I don't like the community or the synagogues or the people I'd be working with. And if I want to live here long term (which... I think we do), there's really no point in being a rabbi because I would never want to work in this community. Right now for me, Judaism is really... whatever the opposite of salient is.

So in sum? I have no idea. It's not off the list of possibilities, it's still the thing I would most like to do. But it's not likely.

3) I just read on your deliciously.org 'blog that you are a Harry Potter fan. What is your opinion of the last book? What, if anything, would you have changed about the outcome?

Wifey, if you're reading this, just skip to the next question. Basically I feel like JK Rowling set herself up for failure. There's no way she could have pleased me. I feel like Harry should have died. However, if he had, I'd have been pissed as hell. I do feel, though, that at the very least he should have been the one to deliver the curse that killed Voldemort, but what can ya do? I feel like the pacing of the book was really bad. I missed that heart attack-y feeling from book six. I thought the ENTIRE plot about the Hallows was unnecessary and served absolutely zero purpose. I hated the exposition scene with Dumbledore in "King's Cross" and I didn't really care for the Snape/Lily chapter. I loved Ron and Hermione and seeing some growth in them. I love love love love Neville, and almost as much, I love Luna. I loved Kreacher. I loved HOW Ron and Hermione finally got together. I wanted a lot more Snape. I never liked him, in any book, but I wanted more. I was really underwhelmed, and I don't even like action books. That said? I don't think she could have written anything that I would have liked and I don't think any outcome would have satisfied me (although it's very hard to believe it was a truly horrific war with so few deaths). I wouldn't mind nixing that terrible epilogue. And I just have to say, best part of the WHOLE book was Molly coming at Bellatrix and calling her a bitch. It's really sad, though, when the death I was most upset about was Dobby's, when I hated him so much all along.

4) If you had to change your name, what alternate name would you select? Do you feel intimately connected to your name?

I do feel intimately connected to my name. There are times as a kid where I wished I had the last name Rozenberg (my mom's maiden name) instead of Feldman, and I collect long lists of names that I love, but I've never wished I had an actual different name. I used to want something more unique, but I couldn't tell you what, because to me, I am Rebecca. However, I was almost named Rivkah Michal (reev-kah mee-chal, ch being that hard h sound), which is my Hebrew name, and I would be content with that as my name too. That's not really a change, though, is it? There are names I love, but none of them are ME.

5) What cancelled television program do you wish could be revived (or, if you'd rather, would have lasted longer in the first place)?

There are two-- My So-Called Life and Popular. MSCL had so much to offer and I think it was going to go places that teen shows at the time hadn't gone (and maybe still haven't?). It deserved a longer life. I think it could have made a real impact, bigger than it did. Popular was just hilarious and clever and entertaining and I would love to see more.

Posted to Books & Hardly Working & Jew-mania & Mental Health & Mindless Entertainment & Miscellaneous & Nostalgia at 12:27 PM | Comments (3)

August 30, 2006

Proof that sunny days make a big difference

Here's how I know I made the right decision yesterday: I already feel empowered to make some changes in my life. I don't need to fall apart because I failed. I feel awful about letting some people down, but instead of dwelling, I'm already ready to get back to seeing Cindy regularly and working on this, and I'm not counting rabbinical school out of the picture. I'm still willing to believe that I have a future. I didn't feel that way yesterday, but today I have hope.

That's big. Especially when you consider how I handled getting a job offer I wasn't ready for a year ago. This time, I feel ready to keep moving, or start moving, and find the tools so that this doesn't happen again.

Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 01:31 PM | Comments (1)

August 29, 2006

This is the 4th draft. The slightly less angsty version.

Yesterday I ate a banana, a granola bar, and a piece of toast. I drank nothing. Then I had a nervous breakdown.

And today I called in and quit my job.

So what have I learned here?

1) 19 months to get over anxiety about working should be used trying to get over anxiety about working, not just convincing yourself you're "healthier" because there is nothing in your life that will give you an anxiety attack.

2) I can make a good decision for myself more quickly and not let things escalate to the point they did last time.

3) That doesn't make me any less disappointed in myself.

4) Always specify to your family that you don't want them to tell people about your new job until you say otherwise. And don't go to professional development days with your grandma.

5) Never cancel an appointment with your therapist just because your boss says to. If you've been waiting a year to start seeing your therapist again and have as many issues as I do, TAKE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT.

6) Loud music really can fix almost anything temporarily.

I feel pretty awful right now, but I would appreciate it if people don't offer me a lot of encouraging words. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really need to take care of my issues before I can accept any sort of kindness about this. The only reason I'm posting about this at all is that I posted about getting the job and this will hopefully prevent a lot of people from asking me questions about how it's going. I love your support, but right now I need to wallow. Lorelai Gilmore taught me that.

Thank goodness Xena (FINE! Lucy Lawless) is going to be singing on that new celebrity American Idolish TV show tonight so I have something horrifying about someone else to focus on.

Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 12:51 PM | Comments (3)

August 21, 2006

Maybe my grandma and I will start playing Mah Jong together now too. Ha!

I made it through my first day at my first job in 19 months. I only had like 2 moments of minor panic and only like 10 instances in which I felt that I didn't fit in. I think that's a record for me.

Of course, this can be balanced out by the GIANT panic attack I had last night about riding the bus that resulted in my mom driving me to work today. Hm.

Overall, though, I'm glad I decided to do this. Beyond that, I'm not stupid enough to write about the job publicly.

Oh, yeah, one last tidbit. I now hold the same job as my grandma. We're both assistant teaching (I think that's what I'm doing--no one has told me an official job title) in toddler rooms at Jewish preschools.

Which means that I'm going to be at an inservice with my grandma on Monday. Weird. Very, very weird.

Posted to Hardly Working at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2006

It's only been 19 months since I last worked... I can get used to it again.

Guess who has a job! No, not her. Not him either. ME.

It's not necessarily the kind of job I was looking for, but it does allow me to work with kids in a Jewish environment on a part time basis with low stress where there's controlled chaos and I can be busy nonstop and wear jeans and a hoodie. Plus, I get to be around adorable little munchkins with chubby little legs and tummies and faces that I want to eat. And it essentially fell in my lap.

Hm, come to think of it, maybe it is the kind of job I was looking for and I just didn't realize it...

Thanks Mir!! See you Monday!

Posted to Hardly Working at 11:34 AM | Comments (2)

June 16, 2006

Laying groundwork

I have no good reason for not updating in the last 10 days. I've been busy, but not so busy that I'm not at my computer. Mostly, the things I've been doing haven't been interesting to write about. I've been eating ice cream from my favorite ice cream place, shopping for interview clothes, watching movies, spending time with my family, and reading.

There is one thing worth mentioning, and that's the job front. Right now, even though my prospects are no better than they are any other time, I kind of feel like I'm in a "when it rains, it pours" situation.

Yesterday I interviewed for a job that I'm really excited about. It's not something I ever pictured myself doing, but it really appeals to me and definitely fits in with my future goals. I think the interview went fairly well, and the interviewer already requested references. However, I won't know about this job until the end of July or so, so I'm trying not to think about it too much.

In the meantime, I've been asked to do something I've wanted to do since I was about 10. It's not exactly a job in the sense that it's a short-term project and it wouldn't mean that I could stop looking for another job, but it does pay, and it does involve Jewish youth. If I can figure out transportation, I'm in, even though I'm very nervous about it.

And also, next weekend I'm volunteering at the Jewish community booth at pride. Yes, pride. I haven't been to pride since 1997, which is the first pride after I came out. I was curious and I was invited to join some people, so I went. It's not for me. Since then, I've worked very hard to avoid it (although Lauren and I actually did go to Cleveland pride in 1999 because we were at the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame and saw that it was next door, so we stopped by). But working there is ok with me, especially since it's Jewishly related and the person in charge is someone I've known all my life. Still, if you were to have asked me two weeks ago whether I'd ever go to pride again in my life, I would have guessed the answer would be no. So we'll see how this goes.

All in all, I'm feeling hopeful. Just being back in town is giving me so many opportunities I never would have had if we had stayed in Oberlin. I never would have been asked to volunteer or to do this other thing if we were in Ohio, and this is all within 2 weeks of being back.

This all has to be a good sign.

Posted to Hardly Working at 04:54 PM | Comments (2)

March 23, 2006

great, something thrilling to dwell on at the airport tomorrow...

I promised a more meaningful entry when I got home tomorrow, but it turns out that this really IS the time for introspection and I feel like getting some of it out right now.

First of all, I would like to point out that try very hard to avoid any sort of melodramatic, emotional, soul-searching stuff on this site. I occasionally get into some mental health related business and I sometimes allude to things I'm dealing with, but usually, I try to stay away from spilling my guts to everyone. After all, that's why I have a psychologist in Minnesota who charges me $120 an hour (she's worth every penny, I swear).

It's time, however, that I share with you one of my Very Big Issues. It's such a big issue, in fact, that I've managed to completely avoid bringing it up in therapy. This could be because I rarely get to see my therapist, what with her being in another state and all, or it could be because it's Just That Big and I'm scared to tackle it. It's the kind of issue that, by its very nature, prevents me from dealing with it. A vicious circle. So what is this issue?

I'm terrified of success.

I know that sounds ridiculous. Who's terrified of success? Failure, of course, but success?? And isn't fear of success the same as the fear of failure, but disguised? Valid questions, I suppose, but you'll just have to trust me. It's different than a fear of failure. And of course it's crazy and convoluted. I'm not the type of person to go for a simple thing like fear of failure. I've been crazy since I was at least 7; I've had time to perfect my craziness and find things to torture me that most people would consider reasons to lock a person away.

Anyway. Fear of success. This has been an ongoing issue for quite some time now, but in the last year, I've managed to completely avoid any situations where I might either fail OR succeed, thereby dulling my awareness that this issue plagues me. So I was completely blown out of the water earlier this week when I was offered an interview for a job that I really really want. Actually, it didn't even take being offered the interview for me to panic -- I began to panic several days before that, when someone from the search committee called to confirm that they had gotten my application and would be contacting me in the next week.

It took approximately 24 hours after that phone call for me to decide that maybe I don't really want to work with Jewish youth, or Judaism at all. Maybe what I actually want to do is go to law school. Or maybe I should consider counseling psychology after all. Or maybe I should get that masters in social justice education.

I've been doing well lately, so after a brief freak out in front of my mom, I put all that aside and reminded myself that I've been interested in the rabbinate for a full year now, and that I need to give this a chance. However, that afternoon I got the interview offer, and the next thing I knew, I was on the LSAT website trying to find out what kind of things I'd need to learn to take the test and looking at the websites of law programs in the Twin Cities.

Um, what?

Since then, I've managed to calm down. The interview came with, essentially, a homework assignment, and I've been plugging away at that. It's reenergized me about this career option, and I'm much more excited about it than I even was when I initially applied. In fact, I'm having a blast and dusting off my old RA skills. Even a conversation with Carly last night about this fear of success wasn't able to derail me. And this afternoon, I finished two of the four "assignments" I needed to get done to send to them. I'm proud of that.

But if you think I didn't also go check out Princeton Review's a Day in the Life of an Attorney page tonight, you don't know me at all.

Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health at 12:23 AM | Comments (3)

March 01, 2006

she helped make me like this, so I guess it's ok that she helps fix it

My mommy makes everything better. Is that a normal statement for a married 25-year-old to make?

Last night I had a PMS-induced full-on breakdown about the direction of my life, my plans for the future, and the inevitability of having to give up one of two things that I cared a great deal about. I sat and stewed all day and then I cried and cried when we got in bed. I moaned about rabbinical school and Minneapolis and family and a career and children and what home means and plans. Although I managed to avoid the "I'm such a loser, I'm a drain on our resources" stuff I typically spew, I may as well have said it all. And everything was completely black or white -- Philadelphia or Minneapolis; rabbinical school or no career; go home now or never go home again; fulfillment in one area or fulfillment in another.

As usual, though, talking to my mom helped me think clearly. It's not like she talked me through it or really said that much, but after talking to her, everything makes a million times more sense. I know what's right for me, I know that I have the power to make any combination of things happen that I choose, and I have the choice not to feel guilty about wanting to do things the best way for myself.

Duh. Pretty simple, huh?

I love my mommy.

Posted to Hardly Working at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2006

I'm not good with waiting.

I have discovered, upon reading my daily journal/blog reading, that this week is considered Delurking Week, and that those who read anonymously and never comment (and those who do comment) are supposed to take this opportunity to reveal themselves. So go right ahead!

Moving on.

So, yesterday I discovered that I'm quite a bit more upset about how these two jobs turned out than I thought I was. I spent most of yesterday crying, and while I did have other reasons, the main item that was setting off my PMS-enhanced tears was this whole work situation. I finally feel ready to give it a go, to start working again, to work in a field that I'm really interested in pursuing for the rest of my life, and I'm very frustrated that these two things didn't work out. And I'm BORED AS HELL right now, too.

On the other hand, after speaking to a friend who has the same position at another synagogue as the job I turned down, I'm more convinced than ever that I made the right choice. She gets paid four times as much as they would have been offering me, and she also told me the approximate salaries of two other people with that job who make five and six times as much as they would have paid me. It was the right choice, difficult as it was.

So I'll keep my eye out for other appropriate jobs for myself, but most likely, nothing's going to happen while we're still in Oberlin. That's ok. It's now really, truly job-searching season for Lauren. I actually really enjoyed organizing her search last year, and I'm looking forward to it again. Placement registrations are in, spreadsheets are out, resume is updated, and hopes are up. That'll have to do for me, for now.

Posted to Hardly Working at 10:33 AM | Comments (1)

January 10, 2006

Dammit.

Well, I have an update on the job I interviewed for last week. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. Only this time, it was my doing. It turns out that the salary is half of what I made as a grad assistant, for what would probably be a lot more hours. It's barely even enough to cover my bus trip every day, let alone enough to warrant me spending 4 months away from Lauren. It's too bad, because I was really excited about this job, but I just... can't justify working for $6.00/hour. At least not as the sole reason for moving away from Lauren.

So that's that. I'm sad about it, but what can ya do?

Posted to Hardly Working at 12:37 AM | Comments (0)

January 05, 2006

Should I be concerned about posting this in a public space?

Our luggage has returned. It got here late Tuesday. I swear, I almost kissed it. And then I ignored it. I haven't even opened it to make sure that everything is in tact. Screw deoderant; I managed a day without it, and I can keep going, dammit. And the same can go for my winter coat!

Besides, yesterday was a very full day. And by full, I mean two separate things happened that each took under forty-five minutes that wore me out.

The first is that I found out that I did not get the job I interviewed for while I was home in Minnesota. I had my first interview on the 26th, and it went pretty well. Then I had my second interview on the 29th, and I BOMBED it. I walked out knowing that the chances of this happening were slim to none. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't still hoping, a little... But no, yesterday I got the "no thanks" email. However, I was really pleased that the woman in charge of the search, who I felt I clicked with, offered to help me network when I look for a job in the field this coming spring. That was very nice.

And then, four hours later, I had a phone interview for another job. I'll already know about that one by next week, and my head is swimming about it. However, more info will have to wait until I get it or don't. But the interview took a lot out of me, emotionally. Thinking about what moving home without Lauren for a few months would be like tuckered me out.

And that has been my exciting life since returning to Ohio.

Posted to Hardly Working at 10:46 AM | Comments (0)

December 20, 2005

I bet that in this field, they don't use MTV show names as the titles of interview prep programs

It occurred to me today that I haven't done a job interview in over a year and a half, and I may want to go over my list of common questions and prepare some answers before next week. This time, I have extra things to consider as well. How do I account for the past 12 months of unemployment? What do I say about leaving Herzl early in 2001? The latter will surely come up, as that job is the most clearly related to the one I'm interviewing for. And what about other common interview questions? My weaknesses ("areas for growth") have certainly changed since the spring of 2004, so what are they now? And how will this interview be different than a student affairs interview? Can I be as honest about myself as I would be interviewing in that arena? Do I talk about having AS? Do I mention that I'd rather not start immediately if they ask me about that, or do I save it for when I get a job offer? Am I an idiot for posting these concerns on my website?

And of course, the ultimate interview question: why did I get so many pimples when I had PMS last week that just won't go away?

Posted to Hardly Working at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

December 02, 2005

maybe doing things I don't want to do is what this is all about

I applied for a job.

That's bizarre for so many reasons. The first of which is that it's in Minnesota and starts "immediately" and... well, no "and", just that. It makes no sense of me. Another reason is that it's the first concrete step I've taken toward working in the 11 months since I quit my last job. I applied for one job that I kinda wanted back in March and didn't get it, and I applied for 2 student affairs jobs in April that I ended up rejecting before they could tell me yes or no, because I just didn't want to. And of course, there was that disaster in August where I was offered a job I never applied for and it drove me into the worst depression I've dealt with in 10 years.

But... Something about it just made me apply when I saw the listing last Friday. The HR director called me Wednesday, and I called her back today. Now I'm waiting to hear from her. I have a minute sense of dread, but mostly, I feel resigned to the idea that I'm an adult now and that I need to work and that if I take better care of myself, I can do this.

That's going to be the key. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body. Getting out if I need to, and quickly. Doing the other things that I've found to help keep me sane. Being back in Minnesota would mean I could see my therapist again regularly. I saw her over Thanksgiving break and wow, do I miss that. I could resume EMDR and deal with some of my anxiety that way. I also have a passion in my life besides my family right now, and that's important. It's a passion that, while related to the area in which I plan to work, will remain in my life whether or not I succeed at any job. That was missing during grad school.

I have this serious feeling hanging over me. Not just about this. About babies and houses and money, too. I have this feeling that this time around, it won't be a game. While that feeling is a little stifling, it's also a good thing. I'll be 25 in a month; it's time be a little more grown up. I feel good about that. It's true that if I could, I'd do exactly what I do now for the rest of my life, but I can't. I've accepted that, too.

So I still don't know why I applied for a job that logistically, I can't really accept unless Lauren and I are willing to live apart, but I did. And even though I feel kind of sick about it, I'm glad I did.

Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health & Miscellaneous & Nesting at 06:35 PM | Comments (2)