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November 29, 2006

Murky and Lurky were absolutely the worst...

All my life, I've had a problem with dreams. I have weird ones. They may, when described in plain terms, sound neutral or odd, but to me, in the moment, they're terrifying. I've gone through many several-month-long periods where I was afraid to go to sleep at night because I was afraid of my dreams, and as far as I remember, this has been going on since I was four or five years old.

I even remember my first (and thus far one of only two recurring) problematic nightmare. Let's just say it involved a revolving door that forced me to return back into the grocery I had just tried to leave and every time I went through the checkout, the cashier was a different cartoon villain. Yes, I was an odd duck. For the most part, my dreams aren't nightmares, though. To me, a defining part of a nightmare is something scary happening AND feeling scared; I usually have one or the other, but not both. They're just strange. Just things like stickers on storage bins becoming giant butterflies and... no, I can't even explain. Usually, they're just strange, and they terrify me to the core.

Lately, I've been sleeping very consistent and short (five or so) hours. I've slept consistent hours before, so I don't think that's what's changed. I don't know if it's which hours I'm sleeping (abnormal ones) or if it's how little I'm sleeping, but my memory of my dreams and that horrible, shaken, haunted feeling that usually followed me for a good seven or eight hours after I woke up has all but disappeared. I didn't even notice it, but it's just... gone.

What brought on this realization? Last night I slept for seven hours. I went to bed well over an hour earlier than usual last night and slept just as late, and today, here I am, haunted by a dream. Haunted, tight-chested, horrified, and tired but scared to sleep. Yea! How fun! And people wonder why I don't sleep...

What a way to welcome myself back to journaling. Here, Rebecca, write about your panic and terror. Welcome back.

Posted to Mental Health at 10:34 AM | Comments (1)