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September 24, 2006
L'Shanah Tovah.... I guess.
Last year I wrote quite a bit about the high holidays (that's 3 seperate links, by the way). I did a lot of reflecting about my Jewish high holiday experiences and the way they were meaningful to me. And now I'm going to do the same about yesterday's services.
I'm really sad to say that I was very disappointed. Rereading last year's entry about attending the shul in Cleveland (middle link) only makes me more disappointed. The service was very unfulfilling, and the more I sit with that feeling, the more disappointed I become.
The rabbi was not the rabbi for me, and that was the biggest issue. What I'm looking for in a spiritual leader is someone who eminates passion for Judaism from his or her pores, someone whose every breath seems dedicated to loving Judaism. There can, and should, be more to them as people, but during services, I want to look at them and think, "Wow, that person was really meant to be a rabbi." I'm feeling a little badly writing this here, but I just didn't get that from the rabbi yesterday. It could be because she's so freshly out of rabbinical school, or it could be because she only spends 1/4 of her time with this congregation (she has another rabbinical job in Wisconsin and usually visits here only once a month) so they don't all click so well together, or it could have just been a bad fit with me. But I found her d'var Torah worse than uninspiring, I found her manner of presentation frustrating, and I didn't see any excitement in her eyes. I need that from a rabbi.
Ther service itself was also just not very moving. I love the three congregants who led the service (yes, three congregants led it even though the rabbi was there) and they certainly have the excitement I was looking for, but there were still two problems. One was that they were only three people, and they were three of the ONLY people who were very alive. The other is that they aren't rabbis, they haven't been trained in getting people pumped. They seemed, at some points, to be leading a service for themselves. Now, I don't believe they really were. The Reconstructionst movement is all about community and there would be zero reason for someone committed to this movement and its tenets to even want the service done "their way" over including others, but it had that feeling at moments. Perhaps because no one else getting into it. I don't know. But it didn't always work for me.
And then there was the sales pitch in the middle of services. Tasteless. I completely completely understand why they needed to do it. This is a place that had 12 attendees when I went to Shabbat services there. There were around 75 people plus another 10 or so kids yesterday and they were a captive audience. They need members to exist. I get it, in my rational mind. But it was such a turn-off.
And the final problem... These are Minnesota Jews. They may be Reconstructionist, they may be 100 times better than the Reform and Conservative Jews around here, but they were still Minnesota Jews. If you've experienced and grown up in the Minnesota Jewish community, you know what I mean, and if you didn't, there's no way you ever could. That's all I'll say about that.
Even the Amidah didn't do it for me. I felt rushed, there was no inclusive prayer/meditation language, and... it just didn't feel like my Amidah.
We didn't go back to services today. We decided it would be too, in Lauren's words, "lather, rinse, repeat." I didn't want a second day of feeling this way. We'll go back for Kol Nidre and Yom Kippur even though the rabbi will be there, but after that, we're going to make an effort to attend specifically when she's not there. If that's possible. That's sort of a sad feeling, especially since we're officially members of this shul. It's still the best choice for us in the Twin Cities, and I'd still like to be part of the work to build the congregation up so that it can be improved. I'm committed to this shul and my Jewish experience there, and hopeful that I will find meaning there.
But today, instead of going to services again, we're going with my mom to have lunch at my Baubie and Zaide's (it's brisket! that counts as Rosh Hashanah observance all on its own!) and I'll spend some time in my head getting what I want to get out of this day.
And next weekend, I'll go to Yom Kippur services ready to exist in my own head if necessary to get what I need out of them, too.
I hope.
Posted to Jew-mania at September 24, 2006 10:32 AM