« Lots of spelling, some nerding out, and a few random others | Main | Project Runway, what is up? »

July 21, 2006

A heavy entry for a Friday

This Sunday is visitors' day at Herzl Camp. I want to go. Badly. But I don't think I am.

It's hard to explain Herzl to someone who has never been there. It's even hard to explain my relationship with Herzl to someone who felt differently about it. Every summer, I was miserable. Of all the places in my life where I felt left out, lonely, and misunderstood, Herzl was the worst. Even the summers when I had great friends there, I was lonely and depressed. I begged my counselors to let me call home, I had anxiety attacks (even though I didn't know at the time that that's what they were) over certain activities, and I created the best excuses and found the best places to hide.

Every year, I swore I would never go back. And every year, I would wait anxiously for the sign-up forms to arrive in the mail and insist that we turn them in immediately to assure my place at camp. When I got to be too old to be a camper, I felt like I was losing part of my identity.

During my sophomore of college, I decided that I had too many regrets about things that shouldn't have been such a big deal. I started on my very cornily titled "journey to yes" that involved doing my winter term project at my old middle school and working on the BESY play. I left those experiences feeling much better about those places and really embraced the idea that if I could create a positive experience, I could wipe out the negative emotions--if not the memories--associated with those times in my life.

So I applied to work at Herzl. No one I went to camp with, not one single person, understood why I was doing it. I couldn't explain it. I just had to. And it started out really well. I learned that some people who I really hadn't liked as a kid turned out to be decent human beings. I discovered that I was capable of being friendly with a group of my peers who I had previously seen as the enemy. I met some absolutely amazing kids, a few of whom I'm still in touch with now.

But this was before I knew that I had AS and before I knew what to do to get through a rough day, and it didn't take long for me to start having anxiety attacks every few hours. I had to leave camp without completing the summer. In some ways, that summer was a success. In others, it was worse than if I had never gone. I guess that fits the pattern...

I haven't admitted to myself until very recently how much that experience affected me. I feel like I'm up against a brick wall, trying to walk forward but completely stuck by the idea that I still couldn't make it, even as a 20 year old. I feel like a pretty big failure. I wish I could go back and work there again, but without Lauren by my side, it's not going to happen, and I really am too old now.

Still, I have a lot of love for Herzl. It was a really big part of my life, even though I figure I've only spent a total of about 140 of the over 9300 days that I've been alive there. I truly love what Herzl is--a place for Jewish kids to live in a Jewish space and see Judaism on a daily basis as a regular part of their lives, where they can be away from most adults, take ownership of themselves and their identities, and have adventures. True, it's also a place where social norms are distorted, uncool kids never have a chance to feel good about themselves, and there are unwritten rules about being peppy and energetic that are oppressive to kids who just don't feel that way--but it made me who I am. It's had a huge influence on what I want to do with my life, both in terms of being a parent and in terms of a career.

And I want to go to visitors' day. I took Lauren to see the camp last year in May. There were about 10 people there, mostly young kids and their parents. I showed her around. I took her to every significant place and showed her every plaque I worked on. I sat on the mercaz and felt empty and I stood in the heavy dew and remembered. I have no good reason to go back now, but I can't let go. This time, if we go, there will be hundreds of people there celebrating Herzl's 60th anniversary. Several of my old campers as well as my future step-cousin will be there. It will still be hard and painful, but it'll be more real to camp.

But I can't go by myself. I need a friend to come with me and Lauren, who doesn't know camp herself. I can't face it alone. And no one wants to go.

Posted to Jew-mania & Mental Health & Nostalgia at July 21, 2006 01:52 PM

Comments

Posted by: Melanie at July 21, 2006 02:26 PM

Posted by: wub at July 21, 2006 03:09 PM