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July 27, 2006
That's 25,017 pages.
You are now reading the journal of a girl who has, in the last 4 months, read EVERY SINGLE regular Baby-sitters Club book in order. That's 131 regular books, 15 super specials, 9 portrait series books, and 14 Friends Forever books. That's 169 books. That's 25,017 pages. It took me longer than I expected it to. I got held up a few times by not being able to find certain books or by books taking longer to ship to me than they should have. I even got held up a few times by, you know, REAL LIFE.
And now I'm done. And my life can resume. I can even read a real book again, one written for adults.
Feel free to take bets on whether or not that'll happen.
Posted to Books at 07:31 PM | Comments (5)
July 26, 2006
Project Runway, what is up?
What in the holy hell?
(I'm putting this under a cut for spoiler purposes, even though I really don't want to. I'm nice like that.)
Tonight's Project Runway was a huge letdown. First of all, Michael's work was overlooked for the third week in a row. Not cool yo, not cool. He has some amazing ideas. Second, neither Crazy #1 or Crazy #2 were kicked off tonight. Two crazy people whose clothing you couldn't pay me to wear, and yet they remain on the show. And third, Katy was aufed.
Let me set aside for a moment that I know Katy from high school and that I always thought she was a pretty cool person. Let me set aside that Brad met her at the premiere party and loves her so much. Let's talk exclusively about her work.
I love it. If you look at the portfolio on her website, she has some terrific stuff. I liked her dress tonight. It was wearable and very pretty and simple. Would I have liked it more with a hoodie over it? Yes, I think so. But that alone shouldn't have made the difference, in my opionion. The doggie hoodie was freaking ADORABLE and although I detest clothing on dogs, I want that dog and that hoodie RIGHT NOW.
In fact, Katy, can I hire you to make one of those for my dog?
I also loved her work the first week. I wish they would have shown more of the dress without the jacket/hoodie/sleeveless thing over it, but what I saw, I loved.
I had every expectation that Katy would make it several weeks more in this competition, and I was seriously excited about that. Am I tad more pissed about this than I would have been had I not already known Katy? Probably, yeah. But no matter what, I would be, and am, really annoyed that several terrible designs and designers remained and a really talented person left.
I forgot how much I hate that aspect of reality shows. Bleh.
Posted to Mindless Entertainment at 11:29 PM | Comments (1)
July 21, 2006
A heavy entry for a Friday
This Sunday is visitors' day at Herzl Camp. I want to go. Badly. But I don't think I am.
It's hard to explain Herzl to someone who has never been there. It's even hard to explain my relationship with Herzl to someone who felt differently about it. Every summer, I was miserable. Of all the places in my life where I felt left out, lonely, and misunderstood, Herzl was the worst. Even the summers when I had great friends there, I was lonely and depressed. I begged my counselors to let me call home, I had anxiety attacks (even though I didn't know at the time that that's what they were) over certain activities, and I created the best excuses and found the best places to hide.
Every year, I swore I would never go back. And every year, I would wait anxiously for the sign-up forms to arrive in the mail and insist that we turn them in immediately to assure my place at camp. When I got to be too old to be a camper, I felt like I was losing part of my identity.
During my sophomore of college, I decided that I had too many regrets about things that shouldn't have been such a big deal. I started on my very cornily titled "journey to yes" that involved doing my winter term project at my old middle school and working on the BESY play. I left those experiences feeling much better about those places and really embraced the idea that if I could create a positive experience, I could wipe out the negative emotions--if not the memories--associated with those times in my life.
So I applied to work at Herzl. No one I went to camp with, not one single person, understood why I was doing it. I couldn't explain it. I just had to. And it started out really well. I learned that some people who I really hadn't liked as a kid turned out to be decent human beings. I discovered that I was capable of being friendly with a group of my peers who I had previously seen as the enemy. I met some absolutely amazing kids, a few of whom I'm still in touch with now.
But this was before I knew that I had AS and before I knew what to do to get through a rough day, and it didn't take long for me to start having anxiety attacks every few hours. I had to leave camp without completing the summer. In some ways, that summer was a success. In others, it was worse than if I had never gone. I guess that fits the pattern...
I haven't admitted to myself until very recently how much that experience affected me. I feel like I'm up against a brick wall, trying to walk forward but completely stuck by the idea that I still couldn't make it, even as a 20 year old. I feel like a pretty big failure. I wish I could go back and work there again, but without Lauren by my side, it's not going to happen, and I really am too old now.
Still, I have a lot of love for Herzl. It was a really big part of my life, even though I figure I've only spent a total of about 140 of the over 9300 days that I've been alive there. I truly love what Herzl is--a place for Jewish kids to live in a Jewish space and see Judaism on a daily basis as a regular part of their lives, where they can be away from most adults, take ownership of themselves and their identities, and have adventures. True, it's also a place where social norms are distorted, uncool kids never have a chance to feel good about themselves, and there are unwritten rules about being peppy and energetic that are oppressive to kids who just don't feel that way--but it made me who I am. It's had a huge influence on what I want to do with my life, both in terms of being a parent and in terms of a career.
And I want to go to visitors' day. I took Lauren to see the camp last year in May. There were about 10 people there, mostly young kids and their parents. I showed her around. I took her to every significant place and showed her every plaque I worked on. I sat on the mercaz and felt empty and I stood in the heavy dew and remembered. I have no good reason to go back now, but I can't let go. This time, if we go, there will be hundreds of people there celebrating Herzl's 60th anniversary. Several of my old campers as well as my future step-cousin will be there. It will still be hard and painful, but it'll be more real to camp.
But I can't go by myself. I need a friend to come with me and Lauren, who doesn't know camp herself. I can't face it alone. And no one wants to go.
Posted to Jew-mania & Mental Health & Nostalgia at 01:52 PM | Comments (2)
July 20, 2006
Lots of spelling, some nerding out, and a few random others
I've been disinterested in posting links lately. In fact, my last links post was close to 2 months ago. But today I found one product that, all on its own, is exciting enough to convince me to post.
That's it this time. Everything else I've saved up is less than entertaining.
It takes time to get back in the swing of things, after all.
Posted to Links at 11:53 PM | Comments (5)
July 18, 2006
owning up
Today I made my first real phone call since we moved back to Minnesota.
Yes, I've used the phone before today. I've returned calls, I've talked to a few people who have called me, and I've made logistical calls, like my call to the insurance people to find out my therapist is covered (which is quite apropos as an example, actually). But I have not just picked up the phone and called someone who I care about because I want to talk to them.
For the entire half hour before I called, all through the voicemail I left, and even now, I felt like throwing up. My heart is racing.
I think is a clear sign that something's very wrong with me. And the more frightening (and also encouraging) thing is that this is me feeling better. I'm going to focus on the part of that that's encouraging. Because I have to.
I'm not going to get into how horribly I've been doing for the last month and a half. Instead, I'm going to go pick up the phone and call someone else who deserves to hear from me after being very patient waiting for me to return her calls. Hopefully she's not too annoyed with me.
And I WILL keep feeling better and better.
Posted to Mental Health at 02:05 PM | Comments (2)
July 13, 2006
I may not be cool, but I have cool friends
Season 3 of Project Runway premiered last night, and I was totally glued to the TV. It's completely different watching a reality show when someone you know--even vaguely--is on. Even the migraine that I haven't been able to shake for two days seemed unimportant compared to paying Very Close Attention to my damn TV.
I'm not even going to mention my feelings about the outcome of the show. I'm more than a little confused, which I guess is only proof that I'm no fashion designer. All I'll say is that there were quite a few things I liked, and I have high hopes that season 3 will be better than season 2 (even if no one can touch my love for Jay and all of season 1). And I was disappointed how little I saw of Katy's dress, but glad to see that I liked what they did show, which was no surprise since I really like the stuff in her portfolio on her website.
Instead of talking about the show itself, I'm going to talk about my friend Brad, from Oberlin, and his celebrity connections. I think anyone who knows me can attest to my disinterest in the entire concept of celebrity, the theories about putting people on pedastals, and most celebrities themselves. To this day, the only person I've ever cared about meeting was Amy Wynn Pastor, and that's because she's hot and ridiculously nice and my one true soulmate. Brad, however, has made quite the hobby of meeting and taking pictures of celebrities. Cool for him. I've never cared that much.
Until now.
He went to the Project Runway premiere party on Tuesday. I couldn't be more jealous. He took a ton of pictures, including a very cute one of Katy and himself together. Best of all, he took this picture of Katy and sent it to me.
Now I can pretend that I'm cool enough to hang out with Project Runway folk too. Right?
Posted to Mindless Entertainment at 11:33 AM | Comments (7)
July 12, 2006
Can a person be eaten by books?
The last few times we moved, the first thing I unpacked was our books. I absolutely love seeing our bookcase go from stacks and stacks of books that look like they're taking over our lives to relatively tamed rows of book spines. I always feel like a magician.
But not this time.
We've been living in our current apartment for two weeks today, and I'm just now tackling our bookshelf. That's because the entire time we were in Oberlin, we didn't buy a single thing without getting rid of whatever we were replacing, like our pots and pans or our silverware. Except books. Lots and lots of books.
I don't know how it happened. I know I brought a few books back from my parents' house over winter break. I know that we bought a couple books at RRC during our November visit. I think we bought a few novels throughout the year. Somehow, there are more than just a few new books, though. There are enough that I'm totally lost as to how to make them fit on our bookshelf. I've already had to dispense with my old plan for the order they go on the shelves (cookbooks -> domestic related books -> Jewish books -> books about other spiritual practices -> self-help books -> women-empowerment related books -> women's autobiographies -> gender studies books -> other textbooks about women -> psych textbooks -> random textbooks -> reference books -> communication textbooks -> student affairs textbooks -> floofy "change the world" books -> decorating and crafts books [not the best transition, I admit, but it always started a new shelf] -> literature). Now, I'm planless.
And this overflow is not even counting my BSC books, which are on a different shelf altogether!
We need bookends. And another bookcase. And more space.
Maybe a normal person would say "we need fewer books." Hmm.
No way.
Posted to Books at 12:25 PM | Comments (2)
July 11, 2006
Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me
Moving to a new place always involves making some adjustments. In the case of our current apartment, most of these adjustments have been positive. We have laundry now. We have a second bedroom. We have furniture that doesn't irritate my skin. We have a better kitchen. The building walls are thicker. Some very minor things have been negative. We have less storage space (believe it or not). Our good-fabric furniture is less comfortable. The dining space is worse.
But believe it or not, of all the things about this apartment that are taking me some time to get used to, the most difficult has been that our windows face east. I'm sure to many people, which direction their windows face wouldn't matter at all, but it's a first for me, and it's throwing me off. I've had bedrooms that faced south, east, and north, and bedrooms underground, but never a bedroom that faces west, away from the morning sun.
I rely on the sun to wake me up every day. When I set an alarm, the sun is what makes it easy for me to get up. When I don't set an alarm, I trust the sun to wake me up before I've slept the day away. But in the 10 days that we've lived here, I've overslept every single day. And I don't like it. It's been bright and sunny every day since we moved in, but we don't realize that until we open our blinds. I wake up every morning thinking it's overcast and going to be a crappy day. I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it's not the worst down side an apartment could have, but it's messing with me pretty badly.
For someone who needs a sun lamp anyway, it's a hard adjustment to make.
Posted to Mental Health at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)
July 10, 2006
BSC + Minneapolis = love
It's been about three months since I began my quest to read every single BSC book in order. Instead of reading them all in one weekend, I've been taking my sweet time. I don't know what I was thinking; there's no way I could do nothing but read these books nonstop for three days. The later books are horrible!
Tonight I got to Super Special #14, BSC in the USA, wherein the club members go on a cross-country road trip. My ritual for reading Super Specials is to begin by looking through the book at all the pictures, and when I did that for this book, I saw Mary Anne and an older woman sitting on a carnival type ride. Using my AMAZING powers of deduction, I reasoned that the woman next to her must be her grandmother, who lives in Iowa. And on the page next to that picture was the word "mall." A mall near Iowa with rides in it?
THE BSC GOES TO MINNEAPOLIS! It looks like they only stop off at the Metrodome and the Mall of America, which is not what I would portray to young readers if I was going to write about Minneapolis, but still... How did I not know about this before??
I'm so psyched to start reading.
Posted to Books & Minnesota at 08:07 PM | Comments (1)
July 09, 2006
It's always better if I post when I'm in a good mood
I have been in a terrible mood lately. Like, for at least the last three weeks. I've just wanted to hibernate in a cave and not talk to anyone or see anyone. We did go out with Stuart and Mary, and Carly came over (I refused to leave the apartment), but other than that, I've seen no one but my family.
Today, however, I feel wonderful. There's no good reason for this. The sky, while gorgeous, is no bluer than it has been every other day this summer. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, so it can't be that I'm well rested. The apartment isn't suddenly clean and unpacked, so no weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just feel good.
This morning, Lauren left for an overnight retreat with her staff, and I immediately took a shower (yes, voluntarily, and even knowing I wouldn't see anyone in the next 36 hours) and then turned on the Food Network. I read a book. I turned on the World Cup game. I did a load of laundry. I opened all the windows. I ordered us a dishwasher that will be here on Wednesday. I feel wonderful, even though I'm tired and my back hurts and once the game ends, there's nothing on TV.
I also finally got around to tackling a recipe for lemon cookies that I've been dying to try for well over a year. We never could because we didn't have a food processor or stand mixer. Now we do, and one of the first things I said to Lauren when we unpacked our kitchen was, "Now we can make the lemon cookies!" Right now, the batter is cooling in the fridge. I'm not 100% confident that I did everything right, but the batter is yummy, so I'm going to assume all is well. I don't even mind that there wasn't enough lemon juice and I'm going to have to juice some of the lemons I zested this morning. But it is too bad I didn't wait three days so that I wouldn't have to wash the CuisinArt by hand...
I have nothing looming ahead of me for the next 24 hours until Lauren gets home. I can stay up all night or I can go to bed early. I can read a bunch of BSC books or I can zone out in front of the TV. I can watch the entire second season of Popular without moving. I can eat ice cream. I can clean if I want to. I can not answer a SINGLE phone call unless it's my wifey.
I'm very happy.
Posted to Mental Health at 03:25 PM | Comments (1)
July 03, 2006
You wish you were me, don't you?
The last week has been nothing if not proof of Murphy's Law.
Actually, if you count the disaster that was Lauren's flight to Detroit that got her in 7 hours later than it should have and had her sitting on the plane on the tarmac for four hours and the not-quite-disaster of her flight back, it's been longer than a week, but let's not count that.
I refuse to tell the entire story of our week again, but I'm happy to summarize.
Monday our movers were supposed to come, but instead we got into a big fight with the stupidest man I've ever spoken to at our moving company, were almost charged $400 extra, scrambled to get a cashiers check for the money that we were told we HAD to pay the movers upon arrival, and had to reschedule the movers for the next day.
Tuesday the movers showed up having done the thing that costs the extra $400 and then didn't even know how much we were supposed to pay and didn't take the check.
Wednesday we went on a giant shopping spree at Ikea and got some of the wrong things, so Thursday, Lauren had to go back twice more. She also went to the hardware store and explained our situation to someone and asked which hardware to get, but was told the wrong answer. At the same time, facilities came to check out our apartment because there appeared to be a leak below the apartment. Thursday night, I completely botched the job that needed to be done with that hardware, so Lauren called my dad to see if he had the necessary tools and then drove over to the house to get them only to find out he didn't. That was also the day my cramps and major PMS started.
Friday our bathroom flooded due to some shower-related stupidity before we could shower and, separately, facilities came back and turned off the water to our bathroom sink. My dad came and helped us with our hardware problems, but then we discovered we needed to return yet another thing to Ikea. Then we found out that we hadn't been paying good attention to which bank we were using for our purchases and had racked up 8+ overdraft fees in less than 24 hours. We talked to the bank on the phone and were told they could do nothing, but it might help to go in in person. We did so, and were told they could probably remove some of them, but we'd have to come back Monday after the rest of the charges went through. In the meantime, we had to take all our money from our other bank accounts and deposit it in that one to avoid any further charges, thereby rendering ourselves broke for the weekend while 1) the bank stuff was cleared up, 2) another big chunk of money sat in a cashiers check the movers never took, and 3) the transfer of funds from our savings to our checking took place.
That meant that all weekend, we sat around feeling grumpy that we couldn't finish doing the shopping we needed to do for our new apartment because we had no money available even though we really had several thousand dollars available.
And today, facilities is back to check on the sink and it sounds like they're going to tear up our living room wall to replace a pipe; Lauren is at her first day of work; we have to find time to get to our bank to finish dealing with the charges; and we still have a bunch of errands to run after Wednesday, when all our money is freed up.
And that was the short version.
Posted to Miscellaneous at 11:42 AM | Comments (3)