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December 02, 2005

maybe doing things I don't want to do is what this is all about

I applied for a job.

That's bizarre for so many reasons. The first of which is that it's in Minnesota and starts "immediately" and... well, no "and", just that. It makes no sense of me. Another reason is that it's the first concrete step I've taken toward working in the 11 months since I quit my last job. I applied for one job that I kinda wanted back in March and didn't get it, and I applied for 2 student affairs jobs in April that I ended up rejecting before they could tell me yes or no, because I just didn't want to. And of course, there was that disaster in August where I was offered a job I never applied for and it drove me into the worst depression I've dealt with in 10 years.

But... Something about it just made me apply when I saw the listing last Friday. The HR director called me Wednesday, and I called her back today. Now I'm waiting to hear from her. I have a minute sense of dread, but mostly, I feel resigned to the idea that I'm an adult now and that I need to work and that if I take better care of myself, I can do this.

That's going to be the key. Taking care of myself. Listening to my body. Getting out if I need to, and quickly. Doing the other things that I've found to help keep me sane. Being back in Minnesota would mean I could see my therapist again regularly. I saw her over Thanksgiving break and wow, do I miss that. I could resume EMDR and deal with some of my anxiety that way. I also have a passion in my life besides my family right now, and that's important. It's a passion that, while related to the area in which I plan to work, will remain in my life whether or not I succeed at any job. That was missing during grad school.

I have this serious feeling hanging over me. Not just about this. About babies and houses and money, too. I have this feeling that this time around, it won't be a game. While that feeling is a little stifling, it's also a good thing. I'll be 25 in a month; it's time be a little more grown up. I feel good about that. It's true that if I could, I'd do exactly what I do now for the rest of my life, but I can't. I've accepted that, too.

So I still don't know why I applied for a job that logistically, I can't really accept unless Lauren and I are willing to live apart, but I did. And even though I feel kind of sick about it, I'm glad I did.

Posted to Hardly Working & Mental Health & Miscellaneous & Nesting at December 2, 2005 06:35 PM

Comments

Posted by: Jenny at December 2, 2005 06:54 PM

Posted by: Becky at December 2, 2005 10:21 PM