Here's my original entry about EMDR:

EMDR, yo. (April 22, 2005)

I know it's really early to say this, but I really like the new chick on Starting Over. I mean, I like her personality and identify with her issues. And she's kinda my type, too. Eh.

I did my first EMDR session this morning. At the time, it seemed very normal. Now, thinking back, recalling it feels slightly surreal. Several people were really interested last time I mentioned it, so I'll try to give a pretty thorough description. I'll cut for those who don't care.

She asked me in advance to have one specific anxiety-inducing thing in mind, so I chose my anxiety around people being really noisy outside my living space. I had to answer what negative thoughts that made me have about myself, and then what feelings that made me have. Then I had to tell her where I felt my anxiety and on a scale from 0-10, how disruptive this was at that moment. Also, she wanted to know what good things I would like to think about myself instead.

My answers to those questions were:
1) The negative thoughts about myself are that I'm helpless (because if something bad were to happen, I wouldn't know what to do) and that I'm crazy (sane people don't let this affect them like this).
2) That made me feel scared, lonely, and threatened.
3) I felt my anxiety in my upper chest and the bottom of my throat.
4) As we were talking about it, I was at a 7.5 or 8.
5) I would like to believe that it's normal to be a little bit bothered by this kind of noise and I'd like to believe that I have the tools to handle anything that might come up.

Then all we did is she sat close to me and told me to get a picture of it in my mind (I chose to focus on one specific time that was really bad and really memorable), and while she moved her fingers back and forth in front of my face, I was to think about that picture, those negative thoughts, and my chest/throat.

We did that for a little and then she stopped, had me take a breath, and then tell her what picture was in my mind. Then with that new picture, we did it again. Repeat.

We had to kind of start over at one point because I was having a lot of trouble having a picture in my mind at the end of a cycle. We just kept going. I cried a few times. When we were done, she said we'd been doing it for a half hour -- it felt like 5 minutes to me.

She asked where the disruptiveness level was then, and I said a 3 to 4. That's the only drastic anything that came from this. I don't feel like a whole new person, I don't know if I'll still be scared if I hear people outside, I don't know if it'll make any difference. But at that moment, I felt lighter and less scared.

During the treatment, I felt like I was having a realization, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to. I felt like I realized the reason I have this anxiety is because I don't trust myself. I know that may sound obvious, but I first had to go from people noise -> rude Ryan -> torn down bulletin boards -> not torn down bulletin boards -> residents who need me but don't want to be my friend -> I feel socially incompetent -> I argue too much -> I let other people make me feel badly about who I am -> I put myself in situations that I know aren't right for me (major major crying goes here) -> I don't trust myself to be real and make the right decisions for me. I felt like I was done at that point, but we did two more rounds after that.

I don't have any major side effects so far. I was really energized at first, and I felt light and accomplished. As the day has worn on, I've gotten very tired. I could easily go to bed and not get up for quite awhile.

Overall, I would say it was really good, and Cindy (the therapist) is wonderful. I'm excited to do it again next Friday. I can't speak to its long-term effects, but anyone considering it should try it, especially if they can find a therapist they like. Cindy pointed out in between a couple rounds that we were already further than we'd get in 5 sessions of talking, and I believe she's right. I have more insight about how my brain is connected now, and even though I over-intellectualize (which she said is normal for people like me) I feel like I have better understanding.

I hope it also makes a difference in my actual anxiety level, but if not, I still think it was definitely worth doing.

And if anyone has other questions about it, just ask -- I'm happy to answer.