Posted to Nesting at 08:50 PM | Comments (2)

October 20, 2005

the month Rebecca's crazy returned

I've decided to go home for Thanksgiving. More accurately, Lauren and I have both decided to go to our respective parents' homes for Thanksgiving. We're talking 7 or 8 days apart, which is the longest we'll ever have been apart since we officially moved in together two and a half years ago. I DON'T like it, especially since Thanksgiving is really OUR holiday, but it's the best option for so many reasons...

Anyway, what I wanted to share about that is that I'm excited to say I got an appointment with my old therapist there. She told me that if I ever come in to visit, I should come see her, and I really need to at this point.

The EMDR I had in April was SO helpful to me (since I wrote about that before this site was revamped, I've reposted that entry as an extended entry here). At the time it was on something kind of unimportant, but I knew that there was a possibility we would have to live in a dorm or apartment building again, so I did mine on noise, specifically people noises. I felt a lot better afterward, although I really couldn't tell if the change was truly in my subconscious or if it was intellectual. After moving here, I found that it truly changed the way my brain was working. For the first two months that we lived here, the noises didn't cause me any anxiety AT ALL.

In the last few weeks, however, I seem to have regressed somewhat. I'm certainly nowhere near as traumatized as I used to be, and my anxiety ATTACKS related to noise are still so infrequent in comparison, but as the noise level has increased and my awareness that we have at least another 7 months here has increased, so has my anxiety.

I'm now a knee-bouncing, head-whipping, bug-eyed mess.

So I'm really very glad that I can go see Cindy again when I go home. I'm sure that we won't be able to do any EMDR unless she can squeeze in a second appointment, but just talking to someone who seems to get my stuff is so helpful.

Oh, yeah, and being away from this place, in a familiar city with my own family in their home for a week couldn't hurt, either...

Here's my original entry about EMDR:

EMDR, yo. (April 22, 2005)

I know it's really early to say this, but I really like the new chick on Starting Over. I mean, I like her personality and identify with her issues. And she's kinda my type, too. Eh.

I did my first EMDR session this morning. At the time, it seemed very normal. Now, thinking back, recalling it feels slightly surreal. Several people were really interested last time I mentioned it, so I'll try to give a pretty thorough description. I'll cut for those who don't care.

She asked me in advance to have one specific anxiety-inducing thing in mind, so I chose my anxiety around people being really noisy outside my living space. I had to answer what negative thoughts that made me have about myself, and then what feelings that made me have. Then I had to tell her where I felt my anxiety and on a scale from 0-10, how disruptive this was at that moment. Also, she wanted to know what good things I would like to think about myself instead.

My answers to those questions were:
1) The negative thoughts about myself are that I'm helpless (because if something bad were to happen, I wouldn't know what to do) and that I'm crazy (sane people don't let this affect them like this).
2) That made me feel scared, lonely, and threatened.
3) I felt my anxiety in my upper chest and the bottom of my throat.
4) As we were talking about it, I was at a 7.5 or 8.
5) I would like to believe that it's normal to be a little bit bothered by this kind of noise and I'd like to believe that I have the tools to handle anything that might come up.

Then all we did is she sat close to me and told me to get a picture of it in my mind (I chose to focus on one specific time that was really bad and really memorable), and while she moved her fingers back and forth in front of my face, I was to think about that picture, those negative thoughts, and my chest/throat.

We did that for a little and then she stopped, had me take a breath, and then tell her what picture was in my mind. Then with that new picture, we did it again. Repeat.

We had to kind of start over at one point because I was having a lot of trouble having a picture in my mind at the end of a cycle. We just kept going. I cried a few times. When we were done, she said we'd been doing it for a half hour -- it felt like 5 minutes to me.

She asked where the disruptiveness level was then, and I said a 3 to 4. That's the only drastic anything that came from this. I don't feel like a whole new person, I don't know if I'll still be scared if I hear people outside, I don't know if it'll make any difference. But at that moment, I felt lighter and less scared.

During the treatment, I felt like I was having a realization, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to. I felt like I realized the reason I have this anxiety is because I don't trust myself. I know that may sound obvious, but I first had to go from people noise -> rude Ryan -> torn down bulletin boards -> not torn down bulletin boards -> residents who need me but don't want to be my friend -> I feel socially incompetent -> I argue too much -> I let other people make me feel badly about who I am -> I put myself in situations that I know aren't right for me (major major crying goes here) -> I don't trust myself to be real and make the right decisions for me. I felt like I was done at that point, but we did two more rounds after that.

I don't have any major side effects so far. I was really energized at first, and I felt light and accomplished. As the day has worn on, I've gotten very tired. I could easily go to bed and not get up for quite awhile.

Overall, I would say it was really good, and Cindy (the therapist) is wonderful. I'm excited to do it again next Friday. I can't speak to its long-term effects, but anyone considering it should try it, especially if they can find a therapist they like. Cindy pointed out in between a couple rounds that we were already further than we'd get in 5 sessions of talking, and I believe she's right. I have more insight about how my brain is connected now, and even though I over-intellectualize (which she said is normal for people like me) I feel like I have better understanding.

I hope it also makes a difference in my actual anxiety level, but if not, I still think it was definitely worth doing.

And if anyone has other questions about it, just ask -- I'm happy to answer.

Posted to Mental Health at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)

October 19, 2005

Where we live (not a big black hole)

I wrote out a great entry and then closed the window. There goes another tidbit of my genius, lost to the world forever.

Anyway, we've been living here for about 3 months now, and people have been asking for pictures. Even though I haven't even talked to Pam since we moved, I can imagine her saying, "Rebecca, I need pictures. I keep picturing you floating around in a big black space."

We haven't complied because, frankly, it's been a big ole mess. I unpacked about 90% of our stuff the day it arrived and left the last 10%, most of which affected Lauren, for us to do together. We finally got it done last week, with the exception of a little bit of mess that we don't have room for and will be existing in messy prominence until we move out.

We've also finally begun decorating for a change. We're not done yet, but we're having fun. We're working on a picture wall of family and friends for the living room, but acquiring enough frames from Goodwill that can all be painted the same color is taking a good amount of time.

So even though our last place was so much nicer looking, and so much more homey, we've finally caved and taken pictures. One here, the rest after the jump.

The living room:

The kitchen:

The bathroom (lucky you -- you can't see the pink tile in the tub!):

The dining room/office:

The bedroom (originally a dorm room):

Thrilling, huh?

Posted to Oberlin at 01:30 PM | Comments (5)

October 15, 2005

Catching up

1. Dar Williams' twin sat near us at services on Wednesday and Thursday. We did eventually find out her real name, but we'll keep caling her Dar Williams. She's very nice and sings like Dar, too.

2. We're going to join Kol HaLev, finances permitting.

3. Lauren's parent's will be here within the half hour, and then my mom is coming on Wednesday for 4 days. I miss my mommy!

Posted to Jew-mania & Miscellaneous at 12:47 PM | Comments (0)

October 12, 2005

A little non-concrete reflection...

Yom Kippur starts tonight, and I know this is kind of weird, but I'm excited for it. Even as a kid, I really liked it. There's something very satisfying about doing something other than just thinking and talking to show that you have remorse for your wrong-doings.

Maybe it's just the Lisa Simpson in me ("Grade me! Evaluate me!") but I enjoy Yom Kippur.

When I was little, my parents wouldn't let me fast, which was right of them. But in our house, even me and my brothers gave something up for Yom Kippur. Each year our parents had us choose something to give up for the day that we really liked; that meant that at least one of us gave up TV. Other common items were video games, books, and action figures.

My parents said that the reason for this was that even if our bodies weren't grown up enough to fast, it was important to show God that we were so sorry about the mistakes we had made that we would give up something important. That meant something to me as a kid, and I plan to do the same thing as a parent, even though I won't use the word "God", being that I don't believe in the traditional God figure.

I remember the first Yom Kippur after my Bat Mitzvah, when I was finally allowed to fast. It was the one and only thing about my new status as a Jewish adult that mattered to me. The truth is, it wasn't anything religious that spoke to me, but the idea of not eating for a 27 hours (or whatever it is) called out to my competitive nature. Not only that, but the challenge had been built up for the previous 13 years until I was convinced of its meaning.

I made it that year. I fasted longer than my mom, who almost always broke her fast when she prepared the Break Fast meal. I was very proud.

Since then, I've only fasted three or four times. Knowing that I COULD do it sort of took away the reason for doing it for me, especially as a teenager who was trying to make a break from Judaism. This year, I'm fasting again with a new purpose. To me, it will make a statement about my commitment to my path in life. It's also a tie to my community, to the millions of people all over the world throughout time who have fasted on this day to atone. I will think about how I can be a better Rebecca in the upcoming year, and although I don't believe in sins, exactly (it just sounds so Christian...), I will be meditative about my wrong-doings.

This is my chance to commit to making 5766 a great year in my life. If I "screw up" the chance, I can start over, of course, but I can also appreciate the symbolism of a fresh start at the right time of the year.

I'm looking forward to joining with my community and showing my commitment. I'm not the type to say, "Easy fast!" to anyone, but I will say that I hope that anyone who participates in this ritual this year gets out of it what they were looking for.

Posted to Jew-mania at 11:17 AM | Comments (1)

October 11, 2005

See? I'm not always a grump.

Since my last entry, I got to look and coo at very cute puppies (even if they WERE in a stinky pee-filled room at a horrible pet store). So I'm in a better mood.

I also tried on every possible combination of nice clothing I have, with the welcome addition of a very cute pair of pants that I bought today, and I came up with two outfits for services that work very well. There was a third that worked even better, but since it involved 3 1/2 inch heels and there's a lot of standing on Yom Kippur, I decided to forego that option, even though it made the pants the actual correct length on me.

I packed up everything I'll need for our stay in Beachwood and put away all the rejects, as well as some of the other clothing lying around our room. So I can pretend that I did a little cleaning, as well.

I also ate very good fried chicken and pierogies for dinner and have nearly finished the novel I'm currently reading. The week is looking up.

Posted to Miscellaneous at 09:48 PM | Comments (0)

Reasons Today Sucks

I. Am. CRANKY.

I had a massive anxiety attack on Saturday night, and ever since, all has NOT been right in my world. Every little thing pisses me off.

Today's annoyances:

I guess that's it. For today. I'm just a ball of cranky. I generally do a very good job of letting this stuff go. But right now, I just wanna throw a temper tantrum and stay in bed for the next two weeks.

I hate feeling this way.

Posted to Mental Health & Miscellaneous at 03:08 PM | Comments (2)

October 10, 2005

Jill and Precious Gray Eyes and The Stage, oh my!

Two items of great importance:

1. I have FINALLY recovered my wonderful Marc Dinkin tape. I'm listening to it right now and I'm very very VERY happy.

2. The rabbi at Kol HaLev (the synagogue we're going to right now) posted his D'var Torah from Tuesday, and as promised, I'm linking to it here. It's long, but worth a read, if you like this kind of thing.

Posted to Jew-mania at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)

October 06, 2005

Rosh-Hashanah Recap

Note: I've been using a lot of Jewish terms lately. I know a lot of people who read this aren't Jewish, so if you would like me to link to definitions and/or explain terms in the entries themselves, please comment and I'll be happy to do so from here on out.

I realized the other day that I actually lied earlier when I said I hadn't been to Rosh Hashanah services since 1998; it's actually more like 1993. After that, I gained the coveted Old-Enough-to-Babysit-at-the-Synagogue status and spent my high holidays in the preschool reading the little kids books like Everyone Poops and making sure that the kid covered in snot didn't get left out during playtime in the gymnasium. It's possible that I attended one or two services in the five year period following my Bat Mitzvah, but mainly, my high holidays were spent trying to untangle clenched little fists from my hair and/or jewelry.

So Tuesday was an even bigger deal than I had previously realized. We got to services right on time, despite having to make an unexpected stop on the way. I can't believe that, after living in a city full of Jews my whole life, we drove an hour to attend services, but we did. At first I was a little uncomfortable. Besides my typical tendency to be completely freaked out in new settings, this shul was very different from the Recon shul in Minneapolis. Out of all the people there (maybe 150 or so?) I could only identify two potential hippies. Compare to our Shabbat services at Mayim Rabim: out of 12 people, 10 were clearly hippies. Also, there were a lot of older people there, which I guess I foolishly didn't expect at all. In my mind, this is a movement for people my parents' age and younger. Very ignorant of me.

Anyway, the first part of the service was sort of uncomfortable for me, mainly because I didn't know any of the tunes to the prayers. For me, that's the MOST isolating thing that could happen at services. It's the one thing that has kept me away from more Jewish experiences than I can count, and it's by far the most difficult thing about making the transition from Conservative to Reconstructionist for me. But I tried to remind myself of two things: 1) I don't really know the Conservative Rosh Hashanah tunes either, and 2) If the Conservative movement was fulfilling for me, I wouldn't be doing something new.

And, as usual, I regained my equilibrium during the Amidah. For me, that prayer, the silent time when I can both give myself a good solid pep talk with no interuptions and also actually PRAY has always been the make-or-break element in a service. It's very important to me to know that everyone around me is also focusing on an inward spiritual moment at the same time I am. At this shul, they designate that time for meditation, and even though it's the one time that I DO pray, I appreciate that verbage.

After the Amidah, I felt much more comfortable. I had settled in and felt a part of the community. The Torah service followed that, and since the tunes for that are the same everywhere, it was another equalizer. The only thing that threw me off was when the Haftorah was said in English. In fact, I had no idea that the Haftorah was over until they started the prayers that follow it.

I enjoyed the D'var Torah, although it was very long. The rabbi talked about how this year begins a 3 year cycle wherein Ramadan falls at the same time as the Jewish High Holidays. This won't happen again until 2028. He talked about how this symbolizes an opportunity that we have to create a positive relationship and besides talking about the work that needs to be done, he talked about some positive things that are already happening. I wish his D'var Torah was online, so I could link to it, but I'll keep watching for it and put up a link later if he posts it.

After that, all that was left was the shofar. By that time, all the kids (and oh my goodness were there a lot of kids!) had come to the main "sanctuary" and were sitting on the stairs next to our chairs. In fact, I had trouble paying attention to part of the D'var Torah because they were so damn cute. The little ones were just great.

I do have to stop for a moment, though, to vent. There were a few high school age kids in jeans and t-shirts. I know that standards have changed since I was a kid, and I know that this is not a Conservative shul, but WOW. My parents would have disowned me if I had worn jeans to High Holiday services. My mom didn't even let me wear PANTS to SHABBAT services until I was in college.

We noticed this trend in Minneapolis when we went to Shabbat at the LGBT Reform shul, but that was Shabbat. Still not ok in my book, but this... We're talking about one of the two most holy days of the year. JEANS? Really? And there was one kid playing with an iPod, too. I just don't get it. I don't care if it IS old-fashioned; our kids will be getting dressed up for Shabbat and the High Holidays. In Judaism, it's so important to recognize the separation of the regular days from the special days, and I can't imagine dressing like a regular day for those occasions.

Anyway, back to our day. We didn't stick around after the service. I needed to leave and sort of process stuff, and no one had said hi to us at that point, so it felt ok to leave. We also didn't go to Tashlich, although it might have been nice to go, since I've never been to that. We didn't go back the next day, either, since Lauren had to work. I had originally planned to go to Oberlin services on Wednesday, but every time I come in contact with the Oberlin Jewish community, I walk away feeling unworthy and unwanted, and that's exactly what I'm working to move past, so I decided to skip it. I think I made the right choice.

All in all, it was a really positive experience. It was very new, and a little uncomfortable, but as I reminded myself during my Amidah pep talk, the only way that something new becomes something familiar is to keep exposing myself to it and to keep an open mind. I feel really good about that and I'm more than ready to return next week for Kol Nidre and Yom Kippur. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to attending Shabbat services there in the future, too. And maybe getting involved in other ways, too.

Even if it is a whole hour away. Stupid Ohio.

Posted to Jew-mania at 01:26 PM | Comments (2)

October 03, 2005

I wish I could join...

Living direclty above a coop kitchen and not ever getting to eat there is TORTURE. It smells SO GOOD...

Posted to Oberlin at 11:41 AM | Comments (6)

October 02, 2005

Chag Sameach, and L'shanah Tovah! (a day early)

I'm back from the dead!

It would seem that I'm actually recovering from being sick. I have to say that I'm really glad about this. I've been sick for over a week now, with Thursday through Saturday being those "death, please come and take me now to relieve me of my misery" days. Today I was able to drag my ass out of bed and go to my Hebrew class, and although it sapped me of all my energy for the day, I'm feeling a lot better.

I attribute this SOLELY to the six bowls of entirely homemade Jewish chicken soup that Lauren prepared. And for those who will ask why I say "Jewish chicken soup" instead of just "chicken soup", I'll supply Lauren's answer -- Jewish chicken soup is made with just the right amount of guilt and love.

I'm especially glad that I'm feeling better in time for Rosh Hashanah. I'm so nervous about going to a new synagogue for services on Tuesday, but I'm looking forward to this new year. For me, even as a person who thinks the concept of January 1st as New Year's Day is a complete piece of garbage, this Rosh Hashanah is going to be very meaningful. It marks the start of the first official year of my life that I am wholly and firmly committed to a Jewish identity separate from that of my family's and the first year that I will be pursuing the vocation that calls to me.

I think anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not big on holidays. As a rule, the only thing I like about them is family togetherness, and as my family has shrunk (and gotten crazier), even the joy in that has dwindled. In fact, I'm thrilled that I won't be in Minnesota for the high holidays this year. My parents aren't going to services and my family isn't even doing Break Fast or dinner for Rosh Hashanah, and I don't think I could take that if I was there. I've always hated the fourth of July and New Year's, and I'm a regular grinch when it comes to Christmas. Thanksgiving is the only holiday I've ever liked, and I'm perfectly willing to admit that that is almost solely because of my love of turkey and my great aunt's rice that I only got to eat once a year as a kid.

When it comes to Jewish holidays, though, I've always been a little more excitable. I love Pesach, or at least I did until my family seders became... rough sketches of a seder, to put it kindly. As a kid, Purim was intimidating but thrilling. Even Tisha B'Av meant something to me if I was at camp. And of course, Shabbat at camp was unparalleled. I guess the sense of history and community behind Jewish holidays has always been meaningful to me.

So I'm excited to make an official start to my new year. I've finally, FINALLY given myself permission to be Jewish in my own way. This is going to be a great Tishrei for me, I think.

Posted to Jew-mania at 11:42 PM | Comments (3)