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October 31, 2005
I miss myself
In 36 hours I'll be on my way to Philadelphia. At the moment, I don't really want to go.
Fall break ended tonight and today all the residents of this building returned. I had already forgotten how disruptive the noise is here. I'm not a student anymore and this lifestyle doesn't work for me. The good news is that out of the 30 days in November, I'll be out of Ohio for at least 13 of them. Then I have a few weeks in December to get through and it's winter break and quiet, quiet January.
Tuesday morning I take my Hebrew midterm, which I have yet to study for, and then I immediately depart for PA. I'm scared as hell about this trip. We'll be staying with a stranger and on a timetable decided by the school. I'll have 5 days of being ON all the time, knowing that everything I do could have an impact on my future. And right now, I'm just not up for that. I'm tired, and my schedule is all out of whack, and I really want to spend the next week home alone, in silence. I loved having Lauren around so much this last week, but I feel competely thrown off.
I've also been questioning my plans to apply to RRC lately. If I really CAN'T work, is it a waste of our resources for me to do this? And after 3 years off of doing any work (because St. Thomas was NOT work, in the academic sense), can I refocus myself enough to work that hard for 6 more years?
Like Lauren says, finding that out is what this coming week will be all about, but I'm just so tired...
So tomorrow I'll dust and do dishes and tidy up a little and I'll study for my Hebrew exam. I'll pack for our trip to Philadelphia and maybe I'll call my mom. Tuesday I'll take my midterm and sit through a nerve-wracking seven-and-a-half-hour car ride and meet the stranger whose house we'll be invading for 5 days. And a week from now, I'll be home and about to start a week of regularity and I'll calm down and get my confidence back. And three weeks from now, I'll be on my way home for a week with my family (though without Lauren, unfortunately). And I can do that.
I can do this.
Posted to Jew-mania & Mental Health at October 31, 2005 12:20 AM