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August 09, 2005
This is why K (I know you're reading, even if you don't comment!) used to call me a drama queen
Today I learned that despite taking an extra 45 minutes, a potato baked in an oven is much better than one prepared in a microwave.
I also learned that I'm going to survive.
Honestly, it was touch and go for the last 36 hours or so. I haven't been that depressed in years and years. I wouldn't say that I'm doing great right now, but it's a lot better than last night, when I was seriously begging Lauren to promise me that I'd never have to talk to another person for the rest of my life. Right now I'd settle for not talking to anyone for another few days.
Yesterday, I was ready to give up on my career goals and curl up in a ball in the closet with a book for the rest of my life. Now, I have made it through three novels in the past two days, but I'm feeling a little better. In fact, better enough that I actually still want to take Hebrew this fall on the off chance that I can muster up the courage to go to RRC in a year or two.
I've spent a lot of time in the last four days thinking about whether I wanted to be goal-oriented and to conquer the world or to be disabled and needy. I know, in my head, that I can be both disabled and world-conquering, but lately, it just hasn't felt that way. My belief in my ability to be both wavers, and that's something I need to work on. Because I don't have a choice -- I do have a disability. No matter what I do, I will never have the same natural abilities in certain areas that other people do. I do know that. It's just that sometimes, I believe that I can compensate, and other times, I don't.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm feeling a smidge better today. Better enough that I wrote my therapist in Minnesota an email, like I was supposed to when I got here, and better enough that I may actually answer the phone tomorrow, if someone calls. And maybe I'll even answer a few emails today.
I'm just thankful that the deep, despairing depression I felt yesterday (the shortest bout of that dark kind ever) is on its way to returning to my regular level of depression, the one that I know consciously that I can beat and can push through. The one I live with every day and have beaten over and over for my entire life. Yesterday, for the first time since high school, I really didn't know if I was going to make it. Today, I believe I have a chance.
Posted to Mental Health at August 9, 2005 02:28 PM