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August 30, 2005

Dinner tonight is a freshmen mingler. Is free food worth it?

I would officially like to smack whoever conditioned me to automatically do a double take whenever I hear or read the word "dorm". I'm not a hall director anymore. I don't HAVE to call it a residence hall, and I don't want to. Stupid people.

The freshmen are all here. It's quieter than I expected. If I have to be in Oberlin, I wish I could be in Barrows.

Posted to Oberlin at 03:51 PM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2005

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

Yesterday I told Lauren that sometimes, I feel like the last two years at home were all a dream. Like I went home at the end of my senior year, stayed for the summer, and now now I'm back. Our wedding seems real, but nothing else does. Am I really sure I didn't dream Stuart and Mary's wedding? Am I positive that I have my masters degree? Was I really a full-time employee for a short period of time? It all seems like it didn't really happen. It's a frightening feeling, and I just can't shake it, especially as the town fills up with students. Kind of like I'm in Flight of the Navigator or something.

It's very confusing. So I'll move on.

SaraB got home yesterday. from her year in Japan+month of traveling. She's in Minnesota, so it's not like I'll get to see her, but I'm glad we'll get to talk more often. Like each of my other friends, there's a part of me that only Sara understands. I sent her a welcome home email and I'm going to wait for her to catch up on sleep before I bombard her with a phone call (breaking out that calling card), but I'm really excited to talk to her again.

Excited enough to post embarrassing teenage pictures.

Sara and me on Shabbat at Herzl in 1995:

Me and Sara at play practice for Sound of Music in 1996:

That's all I have to say today. Aren't you glad I spiced it up with pictures?

Posted to Minnesota & Nostalgia at 09:53 AM | Comments (0)

August 26, 2005

Why can't I just do the best thing for myself and stay home?

I swear I'm going to puke if I have to keep my lunch plans. I just feel sick at the thought of leaving the house today. But then again, if I don't go today, I have to do it another day, and since I already managed to shower today -- BEFORE NOON -- I suppose I should just get it over with. But really, my stomach is a mess. I just want to stay home and not feel sick.

Yesterday Lauren and I took advantage of her getting done with work at 3:30 to go to Elyria to open a bank account. I already miss TCF. Our new bank doesn't allow us to transfer money between accounts without doing a wire transfer. There are other issues, but that one bothers me the most. And then there's the fact that the closest branch is in ELYRIA, 20 minutes away by car. So Lauren will be doing our depositing and withdrawing, and I'll just be doing online monitoring. Some financial head of the household I am!

And of course, neither TCF nor our new bank are available in Philadelphia, so if we move there next, we'll have to start over again. I hate banking.

Ugh, I swear I'm going to throw up. I really am. I don't know why I constantly put myself in this situation where I'm doing the "right" thing instead of taking care of myself. When am I going to learn that my health is the MOST important thing?

Posted to Mental Health & Oberlin at 09:03 AM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2005

ugh, angst. feel free to skip.

The mind is so funny. I can already tell I'm going to regret posting this very angsty high school-ish post in the morning, but somehow, it's coming out anyway.

I just finished scanning my photo collection. All of it. Every photo that I've ever taken and still have. In labeling some of these files, I had to retrieve old yearbooks, which, of course, led me to read what people wrote.

There are people who I was sure I had stopped being friends with by age 12 who wrote heartfelt declarations about how happy they were to have me in their lives and assured that we were BFF three and four years later than I remember ever speaking to them. It's amazing. I know I should be laughing at the entire concept of "BFF" right now, mocking it and being all Oberlin-graduate-y about how childish that is. But that's not what I'm thinking about.

There's one person in particular -- I'll call her B for now -- who has caught my attention. I've known her since I was in preschool, and we were great friends all through elementary school. In my mind, that's about when we stopped hanging out. I remember her becoming friends with another friend of mine, A, and ditching me totally. I remember that I kept going to camp and she stopped. I remember that we got to middle school and we had very different friends. In my mind, our friendship ended then.

And yet... I have her school picture -- the wallet size, not the trading size -- all the way through ninth grade, and each one of them has a long message on the back about how we would always be friends. Then there are pictures of her on a family vacation with me in 1996, when I was 15. And more pictures of her, up until my very last day at Armstrong in 1997. How is that possible? How is it that, when my family told me I could only pick one person to come with us, I chose her? I remember our friendship being long over by then...

This has all made me spend a lot of time thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't gone to the arts high school. I don't regret that decision at all; in fact, it's the one thing other than my relationship with Lauren that I'm sure I've done right in my life. But would I still be in contact with these people who were a huge part of my life until I left? Even though those acquaintanceships were completely superficial and based on things like, "Ooh, you have Senor Mertens for Spanish 4th period too!" I just can't help wondering if I might still be in touch with these people who were around during really major life events.

I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to call people's parents and ask for contact info, or to have my mom get it for me. I added two people on friendster who were childhood friends but who haven't been a part of my life in close to ten years. And B, who isn't on any of those stupid websites, is at the center of my attention right now.

Did I spend so much time thinking about how much people didn't like me that I missed out on having some kind of neat people in my life? Am I being pathetic? Am I just being me? The me that has been missing over the last three years as I've tried to care less to make everything hurt less? Is this leap, trying to find B and all these other people, just what I need to kickstart me back into being the real Rebecca who I haven't been for the last three years as I've let anxiety rule my life?

I don't care if I AM giving this too much thought and sounding all dorky. Maybe things were simpler in high school, even if they did suck. At least back then, we all sucked together.

Posted to Nostalgia at 12:36 AM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2005

oh Oberlin...

Yesterday the weather was nice enough (under 80 and not raining) that I decided to spend a half hour outside using my free cell phone minutes to catch up on some calls to people back home. Sadly, none of my friends were home, although I did get to talk to my grandparents.

Anyway, while I was out there, this man walked by with his two dogs, and I swear I almost ate the little black one up. It was so cute and so tiny and it was grinning away and kept trying to come toward me. I really would have run across the street to say hi, but I didn't think my grandpa would appreciate having me screech into his ear.

The result? I NEED a doggie. Now. I swear, I'd keep it in a kennel whenever we were both not home and I'd take it outside and clean up it's poo. I'm talking like a little itty bitty under 10 pound thing. Why won't ResEd let me have a puppy smaller than a cat?? It'd be hyperallergenic, because I'm allergic to everything anyway... Damn ResEd.

The only other excitement in my life is the one decision I have to make daily: should I go to Stevie for lunch today or starve to death in our apartment? Today's deciding factor is that lunch is turkey enchiladas or cheese and bean enchiladas. I've been kind of sick lately, and cheese isn't sitting well with me. Plus, I don't eat beans and turkey in an enchilada seems weird. But then again, I'm still hungry from not eating for the last two days... But then, I hate Stevie with a burning firey passion...

Ah, decisions.

I'll leave you with a picture. This would be me and my brother, Jake, being pirates. Can't you tell by the dowel rod sticking out of my pantleg, signifying the presence of a peg leg? I would say this is circa 1988...

Posted to Oberlin at 08:00 AM | Comments (0)

August 22, 2005

When you're broke, this is what you have to do for fun

My life is so uninteresting to outsiders that I've really had nothing to share lately. The good news is, however, that I'm keeping myself amused.

Two things have been the center of my attention for the last few days. The first is my scanner. My parents gave it to me for my birthday to encourage my idea to make more books like our wedding album, possibly for some sort of minimal profit. At our last house, I didn't have anywhere to set it up, so I'm just now getting to play with it. This has led me to me scanning my ENTIRE photo collection onto our gorgeous new Toshiba (newly named Janine Kishi, because, if I recall correctly, she was very good with computers). It has plenty of room for moderate quality scans of all 3000 or so of my photos. I've been enjoying reliving my entire life. You had all better be prepared for some upcoming photo tours of my childhood.

Also, last night I took Lauren through all 427 of my Herzl Camp photos, pointing out all my crushes along the way. Her response was that I totally have such a type, and how did I end up with her anyway?

The other thing that's been at the center of my attention is facebook. It's a really stupid obsession, but if you had a freakish fear of losing touch with people you might not even have known that well like I do, you'd understand. Unfortunately, it was created a few years too late for people my age, so I have trouble finding anyone I know. Usually the people I find on there are either little siblings of high school friends or kids I babysat. I've tried to avoid adding those people, although I did add Pam's sister, Cindy. So if you're on facebook, take pity on me and let me know.

That's it. That's my whole life lately. Two free obsessions that take up a lot of my time and no additional money. Isn't my life fascinating?

Posted to Miscellaneous at 12:43 PM | Comments (0)

August 16, 2005

"This is no Lyndale Avenue."

Today I went to a city. Cleveland, to be specific. Lauren and I went to dinner at the Great Lakes Brewing Company.

We sat at a table outside overlooking an alley-like street. The outdoor part of the restaurant allows dogs and provides water for them, but there wasn't a single dog in sight. No Lyndale Avenue indeed. The one block the restaurant was on was cute, but a block away, where we parked our car, felt less than inviting. The food was decent, but I have to admit that for me, the trip was much more about getting out of Oberlin (and the Cleveland suburbs that we usually hit up) than about what we ate.

Unfortunately, though, I don't think I like Cleveland. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been there. The first was when I came to visit Oberlin as a high school junior and my family spent a day at the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame and then saw RENT somewhere in the city. The second time was for an Ani DiFranco concert that I got to by a school bus provided by the college. The third time, I saw Jess Klein at the Beachland Ballroom. Tonight was the fourth time. And I really don't think I like it very much.

I know that probably, no city will ever be to me what Minneapolis is. But I really was hoping that I'd like Cleveland enough that when I felt desperate to escape Oberlin and that Nasty Ohio Feeling (sorry, Ohioans), I'd have a place to go. I know I've seen very little of the actual city, but it just feels wrong to me. I promise to give it another try, but so far, I'm just not a fan.

How am I ever going to find anywhere but Minneapolis that feels like home to me?

Other than our great adventure to Cleveland, the only excitement in my life is our gorgeous new computer. Since I can't have a baby or a puppy right now, this computer is going to have to fill that void for me. A tall order, I know, but I'm fairly confident that it will be up to the challenge. Just as soon as we find a name for it.

Posted to Oberlin at 09:06 PM | Comments (1)

August 13, 2005

As long as I'm going to talk TV, I may as well get it all out in one entry

Yaya from Top Model was on The Cut (aka the worst reality show in existance) last night. Each contestant was to choose a photographer and a model and set up a shoot, and one of the most annoying people on the show chose Yaya as her model. I don't know why things like that crack me up, but they do. The part that amused me most, though, was that Princess clearly knew who Yaya was, but there was no actual reference to Yaya's reality star status.

Between this and the marathons of Top Model on VH1 last weekend, I'm hoping they start a new season soon, because I'm getting ansty for some bad fashion TV. It wouldn't hurt if Bravo would start up the 2nd season of Project Runway, either.

And as long as we're talking about my addiction to really low quality entertainment, I need to talk about Big Brother for a second. This is one show that I follow pretty religiously, and I even visit a fan site fairly regularly to read about the stuff that happens on the live feeds that's not aired on the show. It's come to my attention that every single fan of the entire show hates the one person who I actually like. Why does everyone hate Maggie so much? She seems to be the only person who has a good heart, also has good strategy, and is actually nice to everyone else (and it doesn't hurt that I think she's cute). I wish she and Rachel had ended up on the same side, but since they didn't, I'll be cheering Maggie Ausburn on. I like her. So there.

Now I'm going to go watch D.E.B.S. with Angela Robinson's commentary and ogle Jordana Brewster.

Posted to Mindless Entertainment at 10:01 AM | Comments (3)

August 12, 2005

Checking in, yo.

We're getting a new computer! Yes, we're still the brokest people alive, but we do have a very small savings account, and this computer just isn't cutting it. I can't work on any large files that I want to be able to keep because it has no CD burner, we have to leave it on its side when we're not using it so that it doesn't overheat and shut down, the hard drive is nearly full, it burns our laps if we take it off the desk, the spacebar doesn't work on the right side, the left control button doesn't work, and it's really really heavy. So as soon as the money transfers from our savings account into checking, off we go.

Also, everything I wrote in this entry seems accurate. I helped Lauren make her door decs for her RAs yesterday, and even though it took up my entire morning and I had searing pains in my back afterward, I was very happy. Makes me wonder if I should start a business like the one my mom had when I was young. She made craft project kits for daycare providers to use with their kids.

By the way, this is terribly frightening to me.

The only other big thrill in my life right now is waiting to find out who won the head of household competition on Big Brother last night. Don't you wish you had my life?

Posted to Miscellaneous at 08:02 AM | Comments (0)

August 09, 2005

This is why K (I know you're reading, even if you don't comment!) used to call me a drama queen

Today I learned that despite taking an extra 45 minutes, a potato baked in an oven is much better than one prepared in a microwave.

I also learned that I'm going to survive.

Honestly, it was touch and go for the last 36 hours or so. I haven't been that depressed in years and years. I wouldn't say that I'm doing great right now, but it's a lot better than last night, when I was seriously begging Lauren to promise me that I'd never have to talk to another person for the rest of my life. Right now I'd settle for not talking to anyone for another few days.

Yesterday, I was ready to give up on my career goals and curl up in a ball in the closet with a book for the rest of my life. Now, I have made it through three novels in the past two days, but I'm feeling a little better. In fact, better enough that I actually still want to take Hebrew this fall on the off chance that I can muster up the courage to go to RRC in a year or two.

I've spent a lot of time in the last four days thinking about whether I wanted to be goal-oriented and to conquer the world or to be disabled and needy. I know, in my head, that I can be both disabled and world-conquering, but lately, it just hasn't felt that way. My belief in my ability to be both wavers, and that's something I need to work on. Because I don't have a choice -- I do have a disability. No matter what I do, I will never have the same natural abilities in certain areas that other people do. I do know that. It's just that sometimes, I believe that I can compensate, and other times, I don't.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm feeling a smidge better today. Better enough that I wrote my therapist in Minnesota an email, like I was supposed to when I got here, and better enough that I may actually answer the phone tomorrow, if someone calls. And maybe I'll even answer a few emails today.

I'm just thankful that the deep, despairing depression I felt yesterday (the shortest bout of that dark kind ever) is on its way to returning to my regular level of depression, the one that I know consciously that I can beat and can push through. The one I live with every day and have beaten over and over for my entire life. Yesterday, for the first time since high school, I really didn't know if I was going to make it. Today, I believe I have a chance.

Posted to Mental Health at 02:28 PM | Comments (0)

August 06, 2005

Where's a good therapist when you need one?

I think I spoke too soon about not enough going on over here. A lot has been going on, though most of it is not stuff that I really want to talk about here. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster regarding my future, all brought on by this potential job with Hillel. In short, I'm a mess. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Today I ran into Meg M. downtown. She's someone I hope to get to know better this year. It's so strange how much the people I thought of as "my girls" have matured. They're not these clueless freshmen with unending energy anymore... They've got a lot more perspective and I'm really looking forward to getting to know them again as seniors. As long as I'm careful not to start comparing myself to them or thinking of myself as a student, it should be a lot of fun.

I'm also really homesick. It hit me suddenly today that as cool as the town of Oberlin can be, it's no Minneapolis. It was a busy day in town today because of some family fun festival and a classic car show, but it still wasn't the lakes. Black River is good for breakfast, but not as good as my favorite places at home. We took a nice drive, but it made me feel lonely and unsure of where I was. And there's no driving to see my parents and brothers and the dog when I need to feel like I'm home. And seeing Carly G. every day seems like something that happened SO long ago... I didn't think this homesickness would come on so quickly, but it has. Thankfully, it's not an all-consuming, the-world-is-coming-to-an-end kind of homesickness like I had in college.

Tomorrow Matt is coming over, and I'm thrilled. Even though he lives in Ohio, I think of him as part of my Bigger Life, the life I'll always have no matter where home is. He's someone I expect to know for a long time, and a person who I always feel safe around, even when I'm feeling crummy. Plus, I know Lauren has missed him terribly.

In the meantime, I'm going to finish the very last of the unpacking and watch Big Brother 6, and that will get me through the night.

Posted to Mental Health & Oberlin at 06:09 PM | Comments (0)

August 04, 2005

showering daily is the highlight of my life right now

I'm melting. It's really hot here. Hotter than it was in Minnesota. I think that has something to do with the pretty skies in Minnesota and the cloud coverage versus direct sunlight. Who knows. Either way, it's 90 degrees outside and the same inside (except in our living room, where there's air conditioning, and it's only 79). I'm ready to take a page from the menopause book and start carrying a tiny fan around with me.

Today is Lauren's second day of work, and I'm already bored. Yesterday I unpacked the entire apartment, minus the few things that need Lauren's participation. That will have to wait for this weekend, at which time I'll surely post pictures.

Luckily, I may have accidentally stumbled upon a potential end to my boredom. Earlier this summer, right when Lauren accepted her job, I emailed the Hillel director here to see if I could volunteer. I just plain don't have enough Jewish involvement on my resume and the closest Recon synagogue is an hour away, so it seemed like my best option. Today I discovered that Oberlin Hillel actually has a position open. The rabbi called me and left a voicemail mentioning it, so I went to the Hillel website and looked it up.

I'm meeting with him today in an hour, which I'm a little nervous about, being that it's now been well over a year since my last interview, and being that I had no idea this position existed until 15 minutes ago. I'm also nervous because if it's a full-time position, I'm not sure what I'll do. I really don't want to work full time. Period. But I'm so bad at saying no...

Other than that, life is fairly boring these days. I've been a little sick since arriving here, so I've only seen Lizzie twice, and the only other human interaction I've had has been with Lauren's coworkers and in a really brief conversation with CarlyM, Dani, and MelissaS, who I ran into at the library.

Perhaps today I'll venture into town and buy myself some beer. For window covering purposes, not for drinking.

Posted to Miscellaneous at 11:56 AM | Comments (0)