July 31, 2005
having goals changes everything
Right now, I'm sitting in on a virtual open house for the RRC on the subject of the year in Israel. Other than admissions requirements, this is the area of rabbinical school that concerns me most. How does one pick up and move away for a year and then come back? What is Lauren supposed to do with herself for a year in Israel? How can we survive financially with neither of us working? Will Lauren be able to find a job again in the same city when we get back?
I've gotten the same answers repeatedly (except for the last question -- no one seems to be able to answer that), but it hasn't made me any less scared. Living a year in a foreign country is just plain terrifying, and not knowing how we'll survive when we get back is even scarier.
In the meantime, I got up my guts and turned in my application to the RRC's institute for prospective students, and it should get there in time to qualify me for the priority decision deadline. I'm still trying to get ahold of the Hebrew teacher here so that I can get into her class. I've just been informed that signup for winter Birthright trips will be September 8th, so now I need to go get my passport. I'm committed and excited and scared out of my mind.
And I'm really glad to have somewhere to focus my attention, because otherwise, I might die of boredom before the year ends.
Posted to Jew-mania at 01:15 PM | Comments (2)
July 30, 2005
email for our new contact info
When I read this this morning, I was really concerned that I wouldn't be able to help my kids with their homework someday, because I'd never be able to remember that there may now be 10 planets. Then they said that they've been calling it Xena informally, and I realized I would have no problem remembering it.
Now that I have that out of the way, we're in Oberlin. We survived our three-day-long, drawn out road trip. We've moved in, although our stuff won't be here for a few more days. I have to admit that this place is quite a bit grungier than I remember it being, but it could be a whole lot worse. The biggest problem is that we're not allowed to remove any furniture, and what the hell are we supposed to do with two beds, amongst other things?
It's really odd being back here. The things that have changed, like the location of the ResLife office and the faces of most of the students, are freaking me out. The things that have remained the same, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE COLLEGE AND TOWN are also freaking me out. I never thought I'd be back here to live, especially living in a residence hall, especially one that I lived in before. If we open the door to hallway in our bedroom, we're looking directly at my old room. Very surreal.
And just like when I lived here last, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired. I'm going to hope that has to do with what a busy week we've had and nothing else.
Posted to Oberlin at 07:36 AM | Comments (2)
July 25, 2005
all the evil forces in the world conspired to make today happen
Moving is the world's way of saying, "You think you're hot shit, but in truth, I can beat you down. You're no better than anyone else."
I hate this. I didn't really mind the packing until about 72 hours ago when we reached the Critical Point, the point where nothing that's left fits into boxes and when it does, the boxes don't have a cohesive theme of any kind. Among the remaining items at T minus 11 hours till the movers arrive are two floor lamps, a stuffed elephant, a mini cooler, and a lampshade. Further, three boxes and one drawer in our Target stacking drawers are half empty and cannot be filled with those big items.
We also have a disgustingly large pile of items that need to be crammed into Lauren's car so that we can actually LIVE for the next 4-12 days until our belongings arrive in Oberlin. I can't even fathom how it's all going to fit in there, so we'll need to pack the car before the movers get here Just In Case. I'm not even going to touch on how the day actually went today, because I could never do it justice.
And did I mention we have less than 11 hours till they get here?
And did I mention that I only got 4 hours of sleep last night?
And did I mention that it's been at LEAST three days since Lauren and I managed to have a conversation without biting each others' heads off at least once?
Posted to Miscellaneous at 11:21 PM | Comments (0)
July 22, 2005
flickr is frustrating
In the last 30 hours, I've consumed seven glasses of iced tea, two pieces of chocolate, and four wheat crackers. And a tic tac. It's a packing frenzy over here, and although I can finally say that we're about 75% done, I wouldn't mind squeezing a little eating in.
Yesterday I got to see my cousins who live in California. They're in town for a few days for my aunt's high school reunion, among other things. I last saw these guys in October, at our wedding, and nearly every one of them looks different. For instance, the 12-year-old is now taller than me.
The goodbyes continue. Pam came over this morning and gave me gifts she got me in Paris and London. She also gave me this little book she made:
I uploaded pictures of the whole thing (now at dotphoto because flickr makes my belly hurt) because it was so damn cute.
Posted to Miscellaneous & Nostalgia at 04:41 PM | Comments (0)
July 18, 2005
Maybe if the HD position had included making bulletin boards, I would have lasted till May...
Today, as I was paging through Martha Stewart Living (hey, everyone needs a packing break, and I could justify this one because I was going to throw it away when I was done), I found myself tearing out ads for alcohol and setting them aside "for when I do that One Last Drink bulletin board again." And then it hit me. I'm really never going to be an RA again. I will never again have the opportunity to use my skills in cheesy displays of Important Valuable Information for the rest of my life.
I became an RA because it seemed like a very Me thing to do. It involved knowing more than my residents, being a listening ear for scared freshmen, getting a large single room, and best of all, creating the world's cheesiest bulletin boards and door decorations. It was so easy to disguise my love of clipart and shadowed block lettering under the guise of a "requirement". I was able to impart information that I actually cared about while pretending I was just fulfilling a requirement of the position. I could make the bulletin boards as cheesy as I wanted, because that's what they're supposed to be. I could secretly spend hours upon hours holed up in my room making the most ridiculously complicated door decs without anyone realizing that I lived for that crap.
I don't have anything like that to relax me these days, something to mindlessly focus all my nervous energy on while completely ignoring all the stress of the rest of my life. Maybe that's what I've really been missing for the last two years. Maybe I don't need meditation or exercise or reading or bad reality television. Maybe despite the emotional torture that came with some of the other parts of my RA job, it was worth putting up with.
Maybe I should consider a career as a kindergarten teacher after all...
Posted to Oberlin at 09:07 PM | Comments (1)
July 17, 2005
How Lauren is a Big Meanie Head
Friday was our first official goodbye before our move to Ohio. It was also the day that Lauren decided to do the meanest possible thing that can be done to a person who wants a baby so badly that she mutters about them in her sleep. She took me and my four year old cousin to the park.
Given that it was in the mid-90s on Friday, I was already slightly delusional from the heat, so it wasn't a far stretch to imagine that all the cute babies playing in the wading pool were actually MY babies. My babies were wearing adorable baby bathing suits, splashing in the water and giggling with glee, and smiling great big smiles.
We played at the pool for about 45 minutes, and Abby decided that the concrete needed cooling off, and that if she washed it, the sun would dry it "nice and clean and sunny."
After the pool, we went to the playground, where we were the only people crazy enough to be not only STANDING in the sun, but also moving. Rapidly. And I let a four year old taunt me into climbing up the equipment despite the fact that I was wearing those rubber Old Navy flip flips and I could feel every pebble, bump, and metal bar that I stepped on. She was right though; I couldn't catch her.
I had fun. But I'm not doing that again until it's MY kid playing in the nearly 100 degree heat.
Posted to Nesting at 10:41 PM | Comments (1)
July 14, 2005
I have such an exciting life...
I'm currently sitting next to the living room window, watching for the UPS truck to arrive. We ordered a bunch of boxes and some bubble wrap for this move. This is because I'm paranoid and fully believe that professional movers like to purposely break things packed in crappy boxes that can be stolen from dumpsters. Further, for the first time ever, we have to pack all 300 of our books into boxes instead of milk crates.
We've been waiting for these boxes for days, and our tracking information insists that the boxes will be here today. Lauren has her doubts. I'm too anxious to have doubts. In the meantime, I'm continuing to copy all our videos to DVD (is it wrong that watching home videos makes me want a baby even more?) and looking helplessly around our apartment at the piles of stuff.
Tonight we'll have a reprieve from our current routine of packing, visiting Carly at Caribou, and digging up food: we're going to a Twins game! The last time I went to a baseball game was in 2000, on the day I met Kennedy. I'd like to pause for a moment and revel in that strangeness.
Done.
And in conclusion, I'd like to share that my kindergarten boyfriend, Tim, looked eerily like Macaulay Culkin.
Posted to Miscellaneous at 01:18 PM | Comments (6)
July 12, 2005
this apartment is like an invitation for stubbed toes
Moving sucks. And don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Our house is a war zone full of boxes and piles and stacks and bins of giveaways and bags of trash. We've barely made a dent in the packing, because how does one decide what to pack in which boxes and which items to pack two weeks in advance versus two days in advance and how heavy should the boxes be? On top of this, every single person in the state of Minnesota has requested to see us before we leave, and there just isn't time. Especially since I'm busy copying every videotape we own onto DVD. I don't know why we're bothering, since after copying them, I'll never want to watch them again.
I did, however, manage to squeeze in two viewings of D.E.B.S., which may be the best movie of all time. Please find yourself a copy and see it.
Posted to Mindless Entertainment & Miscellaneous at 11:00 PM | Comments (1)
July 10, 2005
angsty and corny in one entry!
I'm a mess. A big, ugly, reminiscent-of-my-14-year-old-self mess. I've been sick this week. Both the physical kind of sick and the Asperger's kind of sick. Trying to pack for a cross-country move and also trying to figure out how the hell to make this website not so ugly now that I'm using Movable Type after years of claiming tables were the only gods I worshipped not to mention how to make all those LJ people get their butts over here to read while repeatedly debating entering in all my archives versus "starting fresh" hasn't really helped.
Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't harp on the little crap.
But tonight I exercised just a little, and for about 10 minutes, I felt better. That was good. And I ordered boxes for packing, and that was good. And I was a good granddaughter and went out to lunch for my baubie's birthday today, which was... reasonably good. At least it was good for my Guilt Issues.
I'm also really sad right now. I let the last two years really suck out everything good inside me, and I'm sort of at a loss as to where to start to get back to my life. I'm really hoping the move will help me, even though we're going back to a place that wasn't always so good to me. I'm hoping that this time, I'll be able to see Oberlin as a place where I can make good choices instead of seeing it as The Evil College That Sucked Out My Soul (Sometimes).
And if nothing else, I have my new career goals to hang on to, and a really supportive wife who makes my life safe and happy and really full of laughter. And that's very good.
Posted to Mental Health at 11:53 PM | Comments (4)
July 08, 2005
Everyone who has known me for the last 12 years will be shocked to read this...
I've been sick this week -- sick enough that today I put body wash in my hair during my shower -- and so while I should be packing for our very first cross-country move with professional movers (no garbage bag packing this time), I've instead been reading the entire archives of dooce.com. I'm enjoying it way more than I ought to. I think I'm in awe.
Anyway, it's been prompting a lot of thinking, as she's basically at the exact place in her life that I dream of being -- a stay at home mom with a 17 month old baby and a house that she owns, not to mention that her family lives nearby and she actually enjoys running. This is a place that is not in my forseeable future (even without the parents and the running), but I dream about it constantly.
I've specifically been thinking about pregnancy, to be honest. When was in 7th grade, our health class was forced to watch a video tape of a woman giving birth. I couldn't watch. I turned backward in my desk and cried on my friend Lisa's notebook. I swore right then that giving birth was not in my future. I've held steadfast to that, with the sole exception of a brief period during my junior year of college. At that time, had the financial means been available, I would have dropped out of school, walked to a sperm bank, and gotten pregnant.
I got over it and settled back into my original plan for open adoption unless my wife wanted to give birth, the plan I developed at age 12, 30 seconds after the birthing movie ended. That plan was very comfortable. Until really recently. During the last few months, I've sort of thought about and discarded the idea of actually getting pregnant repeatedly. Reading Heather's account of pregnancy, birth, and the first months of motherhood have had me all over the place on this one...
There are so many reasons that I should never get pregnant.
But at the same time, the same things that drew me to have a Jewish wedding and subsequently to reenter the world of Judaism appeal to me about giving birth. It makes me a woman, something I'm not always sure that I feel like. It would tie me to my mother, my grandmothers, and every other woman who has ever given birth in the history of time. And although this may not be a popular thought, I believe I would, in some way, be fulfilling my biological purpose.
I'm not running out and getting pregnant tomorrow or anything, but if, for some reason, Lauren can't or doesn't want to get pregnant, maybe it would be such a terrible idea...
I guess maybe it's a good thing they would let me get that hysterectemy when I was 15 after all.
Posted to Nesting at 06:12 PM | Comments (2)
I think too much. It's all part of my charm, nu?
So I've been thinking a lot (what else is new) about whether I should bother with this site. It would seem, with my tendency to reveal more about myself than is appropriate, that I'd be the perfect candidate for this sort of thing. I've always sort of wondered why it is that ever since personal websites changed from angsty journals and photo collections and long bios circa 1997 to this whole "blog" format, my websites have felt out of place.
I finally figured it out.
It would seem that in the new blogging world, you either have to talk about terribly embarrasing stuff relating to your use of the bathroom and your encounters with alcohol or you have to make fun of people. Well, I'm not really into talking about my bathroom usage with anyone but my wife, I don't drink enough alcohol to have any stories to tell, and dammit, I want to be nice. Sickeningly, abnormally nice. Every single time I mock someone, no matter how gently, no matter how privately, I feel an awful, plaguing Jewish guilt over being a bad Minnesotan/Feldman.
I can't do either of those things. Even when I think of something funny to say, I have guilt ten seconds later and delete it. But since I'm about to move away from my family and friends -- probably for good this time -- and since I'm about to have no one to spill my guts to all the time, I think I'll keep doing this. Maybe this will encourage me to have adventures to post about once we get to Oberlin.
Now I just need to learn how to make this Movable Type stuff look pretty.
Posted to Miscellaneous at 01:52 AM | Comments (0)
July 07, 2005
after paying for my first Oberlin education, I SHOULD get another one for free
I was just informed by the Oberlin College registrar that asking professors if I can sit in on their classes instead of paying to audit them is officially condoned by the college. After I did a little happy dance and emailed the Modern Hebrew 1 professor to beg admittance, my inner college student went wild.
I'm now slowly making my way through the entire course catalog looking for more classes to sit in on. Because hey, I only celebrated finishing my masters a month and a half ago (with the knowledge that at least 6 more years of schooling are in my future), so why would I do something as silly as taking a damn year off from extra classes?
That was a long sentence.
Sadly, though, so far the only classes that look good to me are either full or taught by professors I spent three full years avoiding (like the evil Sutton). So Hebrew will have to do. Maybe it's for the best.
Posted to Oberlin at 04:48 PM | Comments (0)
July 05, 2005
babies?
Lately I've been nesting so hard that I've been considering, for only the 2nd time in the twelve years since I saw a video of a birth in health class, getting pregnant. In fact, it sounds kind of good. I still want Lauren to do it first, but right now, I want to have a baby.
(Don't panic. I'll snap out of it in a month or so. I did last time.)
Seriously, all I want is a baby. Badly enough that I was going to apply for a secretary job at Oberlin so that we could start saving money, but I had to apply in person and the deadline was last Friday.
Anyway, it seems that everywhere I look, I see babies. The most recent is that I decided, for some ridiculous reason, to read the monthly newsletters that Heather at dooce.com writes to her baby, since I just started reading her site a month ago.
I'm alternating between wanting to cry my eyes out and wanting to buy a bunch of pregnancy and parenting books. And we haven't even bought that LGBT guide to legal issues book yet that's been in the plans for 9 months now.
Babies everywhere. I want one. Or four. Seriously. Now.
I wouldn't complain about a house with an updated cottage kitchen, lots of windows, and a big front porch and backyard, either.
Posted to Nesting at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)