« I think too much. It's all part of my charm, nu? | Main | angsty and corny in one entry! »

July 08, 2005

Everyone who has known me for the last 12 years will be shocked to read this...

I've been sick this week -- sick enough that today I put body wash in my hair during my shower -- and so while I should be packing for our very first cross-country move with professional movers (no garbage bag packing this time), I've instead been reading the entire archives of dooce.com. I'm enjoying it way more than I ought to. I think I'm in awe.

Anyway, it's been prompting a lot of thinking, as she's basically at the exact place in her life that I dream of being -- a stay at home mom with a 17 month old baby and a house that she owns, not to mention that her family lives nearby and she actually enjoys running. This is a place that is not in my forseeable future (even without the parents and the running), but I dream about it constantly.

I've specifically been thinking about pregnancy, to be honest. When was in 7th grade, our health class was forced to watch a video tape of a woman giving birth. I couldn't watch. I turned backward in my desk and cried on my friend Lisa's notebook. I swore right then that giving birth was not in my future. I've held steadfast to that, with the sole exception of a brief period during my junior year of college. At that time, had the financial means been available, I would have dropped out of school, walked to a sperm bank, and gotten pregnant.

I got over it and settled back into my original plan for open adoption unless my wife wanted to give birth, the plan I developed at age 12, 30 seconds after the birthing movie ended. That plan was very comfortable. Until really recently. During the last few months, I've sort of thought about and discarded the idea of actually getting pregnant repeatedly. Reading Heather's account of pregnancy, birth, and the first months of motherhood have had me all over the place on this one...

There are so many reasons that I should never get pregnant.